Reflections about a Dying? Pastor

Jon Peterson has been a friend and inspiration since 1998.  We met him as an associate pastor of First Christian Church, but our relationship has gone beyond that institution. Two weeks ago he was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  Just as we have together refused to succumb to headwinds on long rides, we are refusing to accept Jon's 'retirement' from our local peloton.

Shortly after meeting in 1998, I and a few friends were moved to befriend Jon with an opportunity to 'fellowship' with us on bicycles.  He was a young pastor attempting to minister with integrity in a church that was in transition.  Through prayer and conversation our local cycling group planned  a ruse to 'hook' Jon on cycling as an outlet and distraction from the demands of ministry.

On the morning of Jan 1, 1999 six of us gathered in Butch's basement to 'ride' our bikes on stationary trainer stands.  For nearly an hour we worked and strained and sweated, imagining sunny skies and much warmer temperatures!  As we slowly dismounted our two-wheeled mounts, Jon said 'thanks' and moved to leave.   "Not so fast", said Butch.  "You're forgetting something!"  "What?" Jon asked.  "The bike you rode, Jon. It's yours!"  Stunned, the young preacher offered thanks, and carried his gift to his car.

Spring arrived, and Jon appeared on bike to learn to ride.  It pleased us immensely that he rode consistently, and made really good use of the gift he'd been given.

Fifteen years and thousands of mile (and funny stories) later, we are all living with tension and hope that God will heal Jon that he might ride again.

While the medical community has pronounced Jon's condition 'incurable' many of us are hoping and praying for miraculous healing.

A visit with Jon is as one would expect from a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ who has lived in wholehearted dependence on "The Word of God"; encouraging and peaceful.  Last Friday I asked Jon what he has learned during this experience that he could not have learned otherwise.  His answer: "My response is probably going to disappoint you, Jeff.  Nothing really.  I've lived every day as if it could be my last, and there isn't anything I want to do differently today than what I've done the rest of my life."

My takeaway?  "Godliness with contentment is great gain." (I Timothy 6:6).

A fellow cyclist sent a message to me this past Sunday evening and asked me to get it to Jon: "Hey Jeff I wanted to share a personal experience today on the bike. On the last lap of a road race today I was struck with the feeling that John would love to be out riding and a million other things. I decided to attack the group with about 3 miles to go and repeated to myself many times,  "this is for John"... just wanted him to know I was thinking of him today and prayed for him and his family during the race. Btw "Jon's Attack" held on!"

I loved that this mutual friend thought about and prayed for Jon, and that he made the effort to share and to encourage him.  Do you have something to say; a prayer to offer?   Carpe Diem!  Say it now!

Blessings!  Jeff

*Jon and Melissa's door is open and he is largely without symptoms, except for fatigue.  He is very lucid, mentally sharp, and appreciative of visits and prayers.  Let me know by personal message if you need contact information or address.

What Do you Want? (why do you want it, and by when?)

What do you want?  How do you hope I/we can be helpful?  What is behind your desire?  By when will you be disappointed if that (your desire) has not been fulfilled?

Why am I asking you these questions, and why now?  Because, if you are like me, then you have been evaluating the past year, and you are looking toward the year ahead in terms of your major life roles and responsibilities.  There are things you are grateful for, and unfulfilled desires from 2013 that you would like to become reality in 2014!

I ask the questions above more than any others as a counselor and coach.  Beginning with the end in mind is essential as part of goal-attainment.  While talking therapy may well have the reputation of aimless conversation about feelings, "How does that make you feel?", that isn't the reality in the appointments we conduct, and it isn't what I train professional clinical counselors and life, leadership and marriage coaches to do.  Talk about feelings?  Yes, it's a part of complete conversations, but knowing what our clients and trainees 'want' and by 'when' is the first thing we attempt to understand.

Before I go further, I want to address persons of faith who might struggle with desires. (e.g., "My life is supposed to be about service to others, not fulfilling my desires.")  Where do you think some of your desires come from?  If you are intent about living a God honoring life then some of your desires come from Him.  "For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill His good purpose" (Phillippians, 2:13).

Do you have a passion to provide for orphans? Ask yourself, "Does God care about orphans?"

Do you want to provide for widows?  Care for the homeless?  Restore broken relationships?  Feed the hungry? Abolish human trafficking?  Restore the foundation of faith and family in your community?  Ease the plight of children whose lives have been shattered by divorce? Help people get healthy and live abundantly energetic lives of purpose?  Help people to discover and live their life purpose in and for the Kingdom of God?

Where do you think your desires orginated?  According to Philippians 2:13 it is God Himself who wills in us to work according to His good purpose.  He looks at the world, sees problems and needs, and moves you into position with character to uphold the competencies needed to meet those needs.   You are God appointed to exercise the passion He has put into your heart and mind . . . unless of course it isn't.  James addresses 'selfish desires'.  But rest assured, you can answer the 'desires' question, "What do you want?" with confidence that it is something God cares about, then your desire to do something about it in your life and for others probably originated with Him.

So, back to the question?   What do you want, and why do you want it?  If you are serious about accomplishing some of the things that are in your heart, it will be important to pray and reflect over these questions.

Let met ask in another way: What would you like to celebrate a year from now?  Weight loss, restored relationship, your business built to a certain level?  Write a series of blogs, articles or books in the area of your gifting/passion?

What do you want, by when, and how will you know?  That's the essence of a SMART Goal.  (If you want a step-wise process, check out chapter 8 of our book, Marriage Coaching.  The process applies to any potential goal, not just relationship goals).

For example:
"I want our home-based business to be averaging $2000/month by March 31st."
"I want to achieve and maintain my BMI weight by Easter."
"I want to resolve conflict in my (name the relationship) by having one 90 minute crucial conversation per week with (insert name) for the next 6 weeks."

The goal statements could be tweaked a bit, but you get the idea.

Have you heard that "Dreams are cost-free aspirations but that Goals have a budget and a plan?"  It's not enough to simply talk about what we want.  For it to become reality, we need to move to potential action-steps that will bring the goal to fruition.  Other blogs I've written, and the goal chapter in Marriage Coaching can provide more detail if you need it.  Simply said, generate lists of things you could do, want to do, and finally what you will do to accomplish the goal, put it on your calendar as a one time action, or something that you will repeat, and then do it!

I've written this to clarify my own thinking, and to challenge folks I'm responsible to lead (health coaches, health coaching clients, counseling and marriage coaching clients as well as trainees in calling coaching) to be clear about what they want and how to make it clear so that I know how to help them.  And even though this is a pretty long blog, I don't want to leave before talking about 'why's' and 'what it will mean to you to accomplish __ goal", because if the why is motivating enough we will do the action steps to make the goal a reality.

Why do you want ___?  (make a list of 10 motivators), and then also answer this question, "What will it mean to you when ___ is a reality?"  These may seem like simplistic questions, but please don't neglect them. Change theory says that we are much more likely to accomplish goals that have a clear positive 'why' and to sustain the effort to get there when we know our why and we aren't just trying to avoid a negative, fear-based outcome.

Don't make this hard.  Simply acquiring the habit of asking, "What do I want, by when, and why?" can make a huge difference in the quality and quantity of what we accomplish, and that can make a huge difference for us and others!

Carpe Diem!  Jeff

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Forgiveness Plus - What's Required to Restore a Relationship

Pastor Grant Edwards spoke a passionate message on forgiveness today, (click here by mid-week to hear the podcast).  He featured a testimony from Rich and Sharon Wildman, miraculously reconciled after 16 months in 2004, re: the role of forgiveness in their process.

Here's what I caught in my notes.  Contact Rich and Sharon directly (click here) to receive personal coaching through their ministry, Stubborn Pursuits (see if you can guess why it is so named).

From Richard: "I held everything in to the point of depression.  In my mind, I would forgive offenses during communion, but later that week something would happen, and I didn't know how to process it. I heard a fresh idea from Neil Anderson; that we need to acknowledge our feelings to God; our hurt, anger, bitterness.  Confess it to Jesus.  Name it all specifically.  And then ask Him to heal my damaged memories and emotions , because they are so far beyond my ability to do that.  Eventually I felt a lot better and Sharon and I began to be able to talk about how we'd offended each other."

From Sharon: "It was amazing how God taught us some of the same things during our separation.  I learned how to process my anger hurt and offenses Richard did against me. . . . I wrote out everything that I was angry, hurt about, asknowledged it, instead of stuffing it. . . I also needed to admit to God and myself that I'd offended him, and ask forgiveness from God and from him. "

Pastor Grant drew our attention to grace and mercy of forgiveness; to give grace as something not deserved by the one who offended us and to withhold judgment as a merciful act of not giving them what they do deserve.  Matthew 6:14, 15 was his text "14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."

In theory, it's simple, right?  While Grant didn't time have to expound on many of the complexities involved in a forgiveness AND reconciliation process, he seemed to intimate (and I observed as one of the Wildman's coaches) that their restoration required compassionate empathy from each of them to the other for the ways that their respective offenses effected each other.  

Let me say it another way.  It's one thing to make a decision to forgive another regardless of whether they ask for it or how they receive it, and quite another to repair and restore the relationship.  We can forgive in the manner of Jesus, "Father forgive him/her, they know not what they do" as an act of obedience that God knows is good for us (our soul's aren't built to carry resentment or guilt), but it requires additional compassionate and empathic conversation to appreciate the devastating effect that our sinful behavior, attitudes, words, etc. have had on our partner.  Short of that, in our experience, it is unlikely that an offended spouse who has forgiven, will again entrust their heart to their partner.

Are you stuck at any point of this process?  Consider these action steps: 

1. Meditate and pray over Matthew 6:14, 15.  Ask God to show you whom to forgive for what.

2. Be willing to hear how the one you was impacted by your behavior.

3. Secure expert counsel, coaching, mentoring, facilitation through proven skills and exercises to share your truth without further damaging the relationship.  

Richard said this about one of the important exercises they used, "It (the exercise) was like a fire place in a home.  It gave us a way to have a fire in our relationship (truth-telling toward reconciliation and restoration)."

Finally, Pastor Grant encouraged a commitment to being a forgiving person, and in so many words said that our happiness in relationships depends on it! 

Will you make a commitment to being a forgiving person?  And will you take a step today to either apologize and ask forgiveness from your spouse, or to forgive them? 

Blessings, Jeff (and Jill)

Responsiveness: The Courtesy of Acknowledgement

I've thought about writing this for a long time, but it was usually with a bad attitude, so I refrained.

Have you noticed that the myriad of ways we have to electronically communicate sometimes leave us with more puzzles than answers about where people stand in relationship to us?  Send a text, email, facebook message, comment or post, voicemail, etc. and I hope for a reply.  But sometimes these go completely unanswered, or there are long delays that open up room for suspicion and negative conclusions; not good ingredients for relationships whether personal or professional. So, what to do?

I've found these practices helpful (thank you to Jill and friends that have suggested them):

1. Believe the Best! - Choose to think, "They are probably busy, stressed, occupied with something important and they will get to me as soon as possible given the other responsibilities in their life.

2. Check back to see if your communique was received - Technology is great when it works, but I'll bet that you have had quite a few emails, texts, voicemails get launched into the black hole of cyberspace.  "No. I never saw/heard your message" is believable because I've not seen things that others said they sent to me.

3. Give the Grace that you want to receive - I know I'm not perfect.  I've double-booked, no showed, meant to do well with a timely, thorough and honoring response, and dropped the ball.  I sure appreciate kind graciousness and an opportunity to try again instead of angry rejection.

4. RESPOND! There.  I said it.  Please respond.  Somehow.  Even a brief acknowledgement is appreciated. "Hey, I received your message.  Can't respond adequately now, but will w/in (24, 48, 72 hours, etc.).

Take Responsibility for your time and keep track of promised commitments on a task list.  

Tim Schofield is an international trainer for Franklin-Covey, well known for their principles and tools to assist in value based time management.  "Jeff, this planner isn't a tool to be served but a tool to help you to be a man of your word who does the things that he says he is going to do."

Why did I write?  I want great relationships! And, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic.

I want bridges of communication to be kept intact, negative experiences minimized, and to be responsive to others as a people helper who reliably and efficiently gives and meets needs.  More than once I've heard from a potential counseling client, "You win my business because I called five counselors and you are the only one who called me back!"

What are your thoughts about responsiveness?  What additional ideas and suggestions do you have on this topic?

blessings, Jeff

Forsaking an Overweight Mindset

I have a complaint about the program I followed to lose 50lbs of unwanted weight.  I lost the weight faster than my mind could adjust.  Let me explain.

The first occurrence was while riding bikes (cycling, we call it) with two young bucks who were pushing the pace.  As I led up a climb I kept pressing my legs and lungs for more, sure that they were nipping at my heels, that I was going too slowly, and that they were frustrated with the old (fat) man.  Head down, determined to not be the weak link in the chain, I didn’t look back for several minutes.  Finally, upon arrival at the top I glanced over my shoulder, and was stunned to see them ¼ mile behind!  So I slowed and waited while they worked to catch up.  Upon arrival their eyes were wide with surprise.  “What happened to you?”  “Guess I’ve got less to carry up the hill”, I replied with surprise.

Next is a near daily occurrence of taking hold of pants to put on.  “These are way too small.  They’ll never fit”, I think to myself.  This has been a frequent and frustrating experience and conversation with myself the past few years as I rummaged for something other than my tried and true “fat clothes”.  Often I self-administered some rationalization that they must have been shrunk in the dryer.  But now, the small pants/shorts not only fit, and they’re getting looser by the day! 

Then there’s walking stairs, doing yard work, hugging my wife; all much more comfortable experiences than the past.  I don’t perspire or huff and puff as much, and my body/joints don’t hurt after everyday exertions.  Truly Amazing!  I’m definitely riding the wave of a honeymoon with a recovered physique!

So, I have a question for the veterans of slimmer living.  How long does it take for your mind to adjust to your body?  I feel a bit disoriented.  Not enough to reverse course to a higher body weight again, mind you!  Yet, there are some aspects of familiarity with being overweight that I don’t want to lose.

The other day, while sharing the program with a person burdened by too much weight, she cried about how painful it is on a daily basis to look at herself in the mirror, and to feel how she feels.  As she tearfully described a long history of failure, frustration and hopelessness I too felt tears run down my cheeks.  The painful emotions she is feeling are all too familiar and all too recent.  However, my tears of compassion soon turned into tears of joy as I encouraged her about the effectiveness of this program, and that The Great Physician might use it to heal her from her overwhelming physical and emotional burdens. 

Well, thanks for listening to a bit more of my reflections and excitement about this whole physical transformation thing.  How is it hitting you?  Do you too need a weight loss miracle and physical relief/healing that might come with it? 

I’m just so grateful for what I’ve received that I can’t help but share it!

Please drop me a note or give me a ring if you’d like to know more.

Gratefully, Jeff

Lighter Living (1/5 of me . . . gone!)

I'm thrilled that two months after beginning an endeavor to lose weight that its been so successful.  45lbs!  And this isn't uncommon on this program.  The even more amazing result is that graduates of Take Shape for Life are maintaining a healthy body weight for years by wholly integrating and practicing habits of health.  I have hope for the future that is priceless!  Just as my faith in Jesus puts my soul at rest "To live is Christ and to die is gain", I have peace and hope about my evolving health supported by how I feel!  I really feel good!

Gone are the days of fearing my Dr's disappointed gaze of reproach "It would be good to lose some weight."  And, I don't mind climbing into our smaller car (1993 Corolla); something I avoided previously because the tight fit reminded me that I'd somehow super-sized my body.

But lighter living isn't just physical.  Cycling is easier, for sure, but walking, sitting, arising to stand, crossing my legs, getting dressed, tying my shoes . . . really?  And all of this adds up to greater ease in life and less weight on my soul.  You know how sometimes you don't know what you've got till its gone?  Well, I didn't know what an oppressive emotional burden I was living under until my weight was gone.  And I suspect that's the case for many if not most who are struggling with weight.

So what's the meta-perspective, and what is this kind of transformation all about?

I'm seeing Romans 12: 1,2 in a different light . . . "Therefore I urge you in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, wholly pleasing to God . . . "  Prior reading of the word sacrifice has made me wince.  'Sounds painful' I reasoned.  But what if sacrifice is joy because of the wonderful results that far surpass the temporary discomfort of doing some things differently (for instance, becoming accustomed to water as my primary if not sole beverage?)  Have you realized experientially how effective proper hydration (64 oz's of water/day) is to reduce headaches and fatigue?  It is!

Lighter living:  Lighter body, lighter spirit, lighter mood.  Thank you God for gracing me with desire, motivation and method, and a community of new friends to give and receive support for the journey!  Click here to contact my coach and mentor if you want to check this out for yourself.

blessings, Jeff

Hope If You're Feeling Unhealthy

My favorite story in the Bible is about Peter and John being warned by religious leaders to be silent about Jesus because they were causing upset to the status quo, "We can't help but tell about the things we've seen and heard" they replied.  Their experiences were way too remarkable to keep to themselves, and their relationship with Jesus was something they wanted to share with others.

Well . . . I can't help but testify to the miraculous changes that I've experienced by following a plan to establish optimal health; significant weight loss, disappearance of emerging health concerns, improved energy, sleep, a sense of well-being and consistently stable mood.

Maybe you'll tune this out, just as I tuned out many such testimonies over the past decade, but I hope I have your attention, especially if you're feeling desperate, hopeless, embarrassed and/or a myriad of other unpleasant feelings.

My long story told briefly is that a decade of professional and personal stress contributed to weight gain and a host of other emerging maladies associated with it; borderline high blood pressure, acid reflux, IBS, snoring, lethargy and fatigue; difficult symptoms for a once vibrant athlete to tolerate.  The summary is that 2003-2013 was a slippery slope toward unhealthiness.  Psychologically, I denied it because in many ways I felt hopeless to reverse the process.  How exactly does one stop self-medicating with comforting food and drink?

Since I'm probably going to be writing about this a lot, I'm not going to try to tell the whole story in one blog.  Suffice to say that I've moved from hopelessness to hope as all of my symptoms listed above have disappeared over 6 weeks, and I'm down 35 of the 50lbs that I added over a decade.  I feel better than I've felt in ten years, and feel hopeful for a healthy future!

How did it happen?  The first and foremost factor is spiritual.  Once again I surrendered (for those not familiar with our marriage story, surrender was key to saving our marriage and family in 2008).  "God, I can't do this and don't know how to do this.  I've tried self-discipline, starvation and other 'white-knuckled' approaches to weight-loss and health recovery and they haven't worked. If it's going to happen, it's going to have to come from you!"  Related to this were many prayerful pleas for grace vs. self-willed discipline.  Thank you Rob Rue for testifying about this and maintaining a hopeful posture of prayer that I might enjoy the grace that God gave to you!

The second ingredient was a proven program.  Hang tight, this really isn't an infomercial.  Understand it as my best effort to responsibly represent something I'm excited about (think back to Peter and John).  "Take Shape for Life" is a program of medifast that has a track record for safe healthy and sustainable weight loss as the first phase in a life-long pursuit of optimal health.  And my experience has been the average (yet exceptional) experience.  I've lost weight quickly and felt great while doing it!  I've rarely been hungry, and mood/energy have been mostly very positive throughout!

How does the program work?  Basically, you eat one lean and green meal per day (very filling and satisfying), and five meal replacements that put the body into a fat burning state very quickly.  It's simple, cost effective (what you pay for the meal replacements is probably equal to or less than your current daily food budget), and sustainable (I'm going on my seventh week, and don't have far to go to establish a healthy weight!)

Full disclosure:  It took me three years of watching a trustworthy friend getting and sustaining results from this program before I pulled the trigger.  So, if you're feeling anything close to what I was feeling before I began (hopeless, skeptical, embarrassed, etc.) you might scoff.  But again, I can't help but share what I've experienced  because the results have been almost too good to be true.  I feel reborn, and hopeful with anticipation for the rest of my life instead of hopeless and defeated.  And odds are, it will work for you (it's been studied and recommended by Johns Hopkins University).

If you're intrigued, google Take Shape for Life. Or better yet, call or write to my coaches, Tom and Susan Patras, and tell them Jeff sent you.  Click here for their webpage and contact information.

Blessings and Godspeed!

Jeff

Relationships – Are They Worth It?

Several years ago, I spoke to a “Single Parents Raising Kids” group. The experience broke my heart because it stimulated a trip down memory lane. After my parents divorced I was raised by a single parent. Tears formed easily as I listened to stories about past and present circumstances. So much pain.

Single-parenting isn't easy. A major part of the challenge is previously broken or currently breaking relationships. Ex-spouses, step-parents, visitation, legal issues.

Relationships. You can’t live with them, and you can’t live without them. Lots of people feel this way. At times, I feel this way.

The final bullet point on the group handouts provoked discussion.

“Relationships: Are they worth it?”

I usually utter some form of that question when disappointed, rejected, forgotten or betrayed. Soon thereafter, the temptation to live as an island (preferably ON an island) begins. But isolation is not an option. Is it?

The Christian can answer simply, “Relationships have to be worth it because Jesus Christ came to earth and lived among us, as one of us, for this very reason.” His purpose was to reconcile a broken relationship between humankind and God; and it was a purpose He accomplished by paying the highest price. 

Consider what Jesus experienced in His relationships — scorn, abuse, misunderstanding, and betrayal to name a few. And still, He died willingly? Even for the scoundrels? Even for me? Yes.

Peter denied Christ three times. The rooster crows, Jesus looks at Peter and he spontaneously wails with grief. Peter betrayed and abandoned his Friend. And Peter, the determined, passionate, and zealous one failed to keep his vow.

After His resurrection, Jesus reinstated His repentant friend and issued this challenge, “Peter, do you love me?” “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you,” Peter replied. “Feed my sheep,” Jesus said.  (John 21:15, my paraphrase)

People. It’s all about people. “Feed my sheep,” “Take care of my sheep.”

Jesus didn't give up on people. So, if I claim to follow Him and walk like Him, neither can I. It’s not easy, but abandoning people is not an option. He didn't just think relationships were worth it He lived like they were. If Jesus can do that, I can do that. I need to do that. I must do that.

What Jesus did, I can do . . .

  

Prayer

Lord, You didn't say relationships would be easy. They aren't  Thanks for doing what was right, though, and not what was easy. What You did, we can do. Thanks for counting us worth it, then for asking us to follow You. Please help us to pass that on by persisting in the relationships on our path. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

A Letter to Lance

Dear Lance,

Your public confession was a good start.  Now, just as you mastered the art of persevering through the multiple and varied stages of a Grand Tour, will you finish what you've begun?

You called your behavior scary, your thinking sick, and admitted that you've bullied many . . . all out of a driven ruthlessness to "win".  This may be the most difficult race of your life, and as you've said before, it's not about the bike but rather your legacy as a man, a father and friend. The word 'ruthless' connotes harm to others.  I hope you will be tenacious rather than ruthless on this journey.

Recovery from a position such as yours is not without precedent.  Christian Church history tells the tale of a man named Saul who pursued and condoned the death of many.  But eventually he did an about face and became one of the foremost champions and promoters of the very faith he persecuted.  Years of exile followed his alleged conversion because few trusted him. He'd harmed far too many too badly.  But eventually he won not only a clear conscience, but also the love and trust of those who'd previously despised him.

Only three paragraphs in and I got religious on you.  Sorry.  You say you don't like that.  Perhaps you have allergies to religion for good reasons?  Many do.  But could I urge you to reconsider; to try to get to know Jesus as He really is and not who you think He is or who others have misrepresented Him to be?  Some transparent and broken men have written a great book to make such an introduction to Him, and to provide a practical guide for the grueling journey of life.  I hope you will peruse it: The Cure.

Lance, your dominance in the Tour de France was remarkable.  Doping aside, you were a master strategist who understood the race, and the tactics it took to prevail.  Now, embarked on a very difficult journey, please pursue the only world religion with the answers you need, because it is the only religion with answers of forgiveness and freedom from guilt.  If you want more, search for what Billy Graham has said on this subject, or better yet, hear from the man himself.  He is still among us.  Presidents since Nixon have sought him for good reason.

Many are guessing and judging your motives for these interviews.  Only you and perhaps your legal team knows the true motives.  But for my money (and perhaps she has begun to get your attention), Kristin has it right in her advice, "The truth will set you free".  That applies to much more than confession.  It also refers to what many believe to be absolute truths that you can bet your life on.

The tears in your eyes as you talked about your children, especially your conversation with Luke, "Don't defend me anymore, Luke" was heartbreaking.  Please do this process well, Lance.  Perhaps you've come off the pedestal in your little boy's eyes, but you can get up there again by getting on your knees in humility.  I hope you're serious about spending the rest of your life apologizing, asking forgiveness, and making amends to those you've harmed.

Lance, I would love to do some therapy with you, and/or serve as a spiritual mentor/director.  Why?  Because the essence of your diagnosis in my mind is megalomania, and that's something I know about from personal experience.  It's an awful sounding word, but it gets the gist of what you've been about, and what many of us have been about when we put ourselves at the center of our own lives, and justified any means necessary to get what we want.

Humility to confess is a beginning, but this is one saga that your strength and tenacity won't win alone.  You need help from beyond yourself.  Some of that help may come in human form, but some will necessarily be Divine.

Do I forgive you?  I have to, for myself, because unforgiveness is one of two things that the human soul can't bear (the other is guilt).  And that's where forgiveness begins, as a decision to not hold something against another or to try to exact 'justice'.  It's not my place.  Plus, those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Can you and will you forgive yourself?  And will you truly come to the end of yourself so that you can come to the beginning of God?  I would offer that as your only true hope to "win" this race the rest of your life.

You're a strong man, Lance.  And that's a liability when it comes to the humility necessary to live a life of remorse and restitution.  Again, it takes one to know one.

If you really do this in a sincere and deep way it will likely be one hard stage after another.  But as you said in "It's Not About the Bike", your life is about one long hard climb.  Well, you were prophetic, because you've put yourself in quite a hole.  But don't believe for a second that you can't climb out.  Just don't try to do it alone.

Please do this right!  While the world revealed its hunger for a hero by following your 'miraculous' comeback from cancer, and amazing athletic domination, what the world really needs from you now is genuine testimony of the power of grace and a humble story of redemption!

God bless, and Carpe diem!

How to Work Well with our Worries

Did you like the last post?   I just couldn't resist the prank!  For those of you that missed it, the title suggested something curious, "The Value of Worry" and then left the body of the blog empty.  A couple of people responded.  "Jeff, there wasn't anything there."  Exactly.

But, to be intellectually honest, I must point out that research says there is some value to anxiety.  The Yerkes-Dodson law in psychology says that moderate amounts of anxiety bode well for performance.  A bit of nervousness before a test, public presentation, athletic performance, etc. moves us to try and to pay attention.  Absent anxiety we might take a lackadaisical approach.  And too much anxiety can be disabling.

What got me thinking about this was the blessing of seeing some black numbers in our business, personal and non-profit account at the end of the year.  That led to the challenge of making some year end purchases and allocations (either give to ourselves via IRA investment or give to Uncle Sam).  That led to reduction in the business account balance, which led to  . . . WORRY!  How are we going to build that back up for first quarter taxes, and other budget commitments?  Are you following?

The sad thing is that I know better.  We have a long decade of trusting God for provisions behind us.  Still, anxiety surfaced.  Thankfully, it wasn't disabling . . . but rather just enough to move me to something productive.  More about that in a moment.

Back to 'worry' for a minute.  I hate the word.  I hate to say it and I hate to hear it because it comes with unpleasant feelings.  When I worry I feel anxious, scared and yucky.  And when others worry I get frustrated because that time is being wasted.  Let's get to a solution!  My problem-solving muscles kick in and I want to advise action or take action to "do something about it".

But sometimes there isn't something to do.  Or is there?

How many of us invite Jesus to conversations about worries.  "Lord, I'm worried about _____.  What would you have me know about that? What is your perspective? Is there something you would have me to do?"

Waves of hope were followed by troughs of worry and disappointment as we surfed a complicated deal to sell our home in Maryland this past fall.  Close the deal before the end of the year and avoid a significant tax assessment.  Close in 2013 and we'd had to come up with a significant number.  Upon confiding my "worry" to a friend he prayed for me to faith for provision either way.  God didn't show the answer.  He didn't assure me about the solution, but He did calm my spirit by reminding that He saw the situation, had it in hand, and would be with me/us through the duration.  Sounds a lot like His voice, "In this world you will have much trouble, but take heart for I have overcome it."  Notice that He didn't reveal what He was going to do.  Rather, He provided Himself and reassurance that He had it in hand.

Thus, I conclude that while wallowing in worry is wholly unproductive, that a little bit is good so long as it moves me to "cast my anxieties on Him who cares for me".  The result is a reminder that my Provider is present.

(Note: The house closed December 19, which was eight years to the day of the first time I walked through it to approve the purchase contract.  And we were thankful that it didn't close until we'd relearned the lesson that there is no value in worry other than to move us to dependent listening prayer. That strengthened our relationship with our Provider and Friend who consoled and soothed us with His presence throughout.)

Does God always solve things the way we'd like Him to? No.  Does He remain present no matter what?  Yes.  "Do not be afraid or discouraged, for I am with you, wherever you go."

Pressing on,

Jeff

The Value of Worry

The Heartaches of An Officer

"Why are we here, Lord?"

"Because I've commissioned you as officers for this War."

The setting was a rain soaked setting on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. in the fall of 2004.  Just after the sun peaked through receding storm clouds our attention was drawn to a beautiful view of the U.S. Capitol.  It was then that I asked the question that our Divine Commander in Chief answered.

Raised in the Midwest, it was surreal to be in our Nation's Capitol, and even more surreal to consider that we would soon be living there to serve an Executive role in a national marriage ministry designed to save marriages.  So, there we were, becoming acclimated and trying to make sense of our journey on a runaway train piloted by The God-Man.

"Lord, why are we here?"  

His Answer: "Because I want you to lead in this campaign."

Seriously?

It would have been appropriate if He'd also repeated what He said to Saul.  "Now I will show you how much you must suffer for my name."

At the outset it was exhilarating and intoxicating.  Moving to Washington to Lead!  Little did we know the price to be paid that we would be prepared from the inside out to lead as servants, in humility.

Have you seen the before and after pictures of soldiers fresh from boot camp compared to veterans returned from combat?  The experience ages them, breaks them, sobers them.  To lead and to serve is a privilege, yes.  And it costs.

One of the heartaches of an Officer is to watch troops fall.  Warriors with full lives ahead of them, full of potential and promise taken out by the enemy.  Tragic, demoralizing, senseless.

It happened again today, and I need to process it.

A couple full of potential and promise.  Their recent interactions never better.  "Doing really well! Hopeful for the future!"  A couple we hoped could join us as officers to lead and inspire others.

But the enemy saw them too.  He saw that they were doing well, and He counter attacked with fresh and ingenious strategy to destroy them.  And they complied.

"I'm done, Jeff.  It's over."

DAMN!!!

Yep.  I swore.  So infuriating! So needless!  So sad . . .

Damn the one who is behind this.  Our enemy is defeated, he won another round . . . neutralized another couple . .  . ended their service as officers before they got started.

It doesn't have to be this way.  Dear God!  It doesn't have to be this way!  There's a better way . . a way to resist the devil . . a way to flee temptation . . . a way to repair from brokenness.  Dear God.  Please stop the carnage.

Tragically, they're not the first we've served that became casualties.  There have been many more.  Way too many more.

Part of training and leading troops is to watch some of them become casualties.  Promise and potential suddenly ended, but every time hurts as much as any other.  

Dear God, please resurrect the marriages that appear to be dead.  Only you can resurrect the dead. Only you can miraculously heal.  And Lord, please help us to persist, with hope, even when . . . especially as we're grieving the loss of those we loved.  In your name, Jesus; and for your sake.  Amen.

Let Jesus Lead (He does a really good job!)

The first Marriage Miracles conference was held yesterday!  Praise and worship, testimonies from couples who have received miracles, teaching and prayer. . . It was an experience that staff and participants won't soon forget. Why? Because the team of 16 let Jesus lead (and discovered that He's really good at it!)

Twelve took the mic to make contributions, and four served behind the scenes, but all were submitted to the Holy Spirit, which resulted in a peaceful and powerful choreography of praise and worship, testimony, teaching and exhortation.

His Spirit of Hope and Peace was strong!   "Peace, be still" was a word that was shared, "The Holy Spirit, like a translucent dove is descending on the waters, and stirring it in a way that will bring good.  And the ripples in the water are to be understood as good, not ones that will harm or overcome."

The morning began with some final instructions from the Initiator (the conference was birthed in listening prayer, so we kept listening and following His lead throughout).

• Point to me
• Flow with my Spirit
• Celebrate Grace

During the first few quiet/private moments of reflection after the conference I replayed some conversations in which staff said "Good job!" or "Thank you for the opportunity to share our testimony, lead worship (etc.)", and I saw Jesus in my mind, quietly smiling, waiting for me/us to turn to Him.  "Thank you Jesus.  You did a really good job today."  And in response He said, "And all of you did a really good job following my lead."

It really was the Body of Christ at its best.  The Maestro assembled an A Team to usher us into the presence of God and to bear witness to the marvels He has done to heal restore and multiply hope inspiring ministry through couples He has saved from a myriad of sin and pain.  Sexual immorality and addiction, co-dependent control, withering anger and blame, overwhelming sorrow and bitterness about a child being severely assaulted, etc.   What a joy to hear the conclusion from all, "What He did for us, He can do for you."

On a personal note, it was a joy for Jill and me to minister publicly in our home town, the first time since 2004.  It was then that He used us to spark a marriage initiative, but ever since, the bulk of our ministry has been in other places (we  lived in Maryland 2005-10).  And what a joy to partner with folks we've served with before (Lavern and Ronda Nissley, Marriage Resource Center of Miami Valley,  Barb Dotson, Citi Lookout).  

Will we do a Marriage Miracles conference again?  And it so, when and where?  Back to listening prayer.  And if this intrigues you and God puts marriages in your locale on your heart, please pray and listen.  As we do the same, perhaps He'll have us partner together for others.

Father, we thank you for using us to plant and water some seeds of hope for couples in need yesterday.  Now, we trust them to you, because it is you who makes them grow!  ( I Corinthians 3).

Hopefully, Jeff and Jill 

"He Always Had Time" - A Tribute to Pastor John A. Wilson

"He always had time" was my father in laws complimentary conclusion from a memory about John A. Wilson, 100 years old this week, pastor in Springfield Ohio since 1944.  Even though he's mostly bedridden, patiently waiting to see God ("I don't know if I'll say anything to Him, but I'll certainly worship Him"), he really hasn't retired.  Just ask the thousands to whom he ministered through a taped interview shown to them during one of four services at First Christian Church yesterday.

My in-laws didn't even attend Mr. Wilson's church, BUT they considered him one of their most beloved pastors.  How'd that happen?  Mr. Wilson was my pastor growing up.  When Jill and I began to date, my in-laws attended some services, and Mr. Wilson remembered them.  When illness befell my mother in-law, Mr. Wilson went a calling.  "One day I looked out from Betty's room, and there he goes", said Jack.  "I called to him and in he came, with plenty of time to listen, encourage and to pray.  He always had time."

Calling was the ministry that Mr. Wilson really loved, and for good reason; it resulted in effective introductions to his best friend.  "You'll never reach everyone for Christ by waiting for them to come to you at your church building.  You've got to get out into their homes (hospitals, etc.)."  If you are a Springfield resident, you've no doubt seen Mr. Wilson in your home, a hospital, funeral home or racing down Limestone St. Burnett  or Home Road, anxious to get to his next appointment.  It's amazing how many lives this one passionate and focused servant of Jesus Christ touched.  Are you one of the ones he visited?

It was Christmas Eve 1992 when we took our three children, cookies and some Christmas Caroles to see John and Jane. Our purpose was to "bless" but of course, it was we who were blessed as they generously asked and listened to happenings in our lives. Our time together concluded in a tight circle with prayer, "Let me pray for you" the preacher insisted.  Talk about a man who has frequent conversations with the Almighty.  You've got to get ahold of his book of prayers! 

But the most memorable part of that evening was when we stopped by our in-laws.  "Carly, what did you do this evening" her grandma asked.  "We went to see Jesus, Grandma."  "You went to a manger?" "No Grandma, we went to see Jesus; the little man with the purple hair." Our jaws dropped and eyes went wide.  Who did Carly see? Was this 'little man' so Christlike that a child was able to recognize him?  Our conclusion was that, yes, he not only walked in the footsteps of Jesus, but he also walked like Him, and even a little child could recognize that.

Mr. Wilson provided our pre-marital counseling, and always took a special interest in our lives through seminary and establishment of Christian counseling ministry, marriage ministry, etc.  He insisted on donating to help us publish our first book, Raw Reflections ("Put another zero on that check, Jane."), and even now continues to give to the not for profit ministry of Great Relationships.  Every month a check comes that helps to make it possible for Christians around the world to be trained in the ministry of Marriage Coaching, and it always comes with an applicable verse of scripture hand-written by Jane after she prays for the Holy Spirit to lay a verse on her heart.  Talk about humbling and encouraging!

One hundred years!  1912-2012, and still counting. Amazing!  Lots of changes in the world since then, but one thing never changed. As my father in-law said, "He always had time."  And the time counted.  Why?  He was constantly pointing to Jesus, "If you have your eyes on any program or any person instead of Him, you have your eyes on the wrong thing", practically applying the Word of God, and praying for and with saints and sinners alike, in faith for their salvation and maturation in Christ.

Under a blanket laying on a couch with a loose fitting shirt (and a tie), Mr. Wilson 'preached' to the Church, one last time yesterday.  Thousands were silent, moved and awed by the incisive wisdom and wit of a godly centarian.  Focus on Jesus, do the Great Commission, love and serve the family of believers, and never, never, never give up.  "To live is Christ, to die is gain" were among the preachers final exhortations.  Live for Him, and then really look forward to being with Him forever.  What a great way to live!

Thank you, Mr. Wilson for a life well-lived.  Thank you for genuinely caring, and tirelessly serving.  We love you, and we'll miss you.

The Vine and the branches . . . or, Power Lines and Power in the Midwest/Eastern U.S.

Torrid winds tore through a swath of the Midwest and Eastern U.S. beginning this past Friday afternoon about 3pm.  In an instant hundreds of thousands were without power for lighting, refrigeration and A/C . . . let the unscheduled camping trip begin!  Candles, lanterns, flashlights, coolers ice cubes and generators were suddenly in high demand. 

On the first night we sat as a family in our candle lit living room and enjoyed a long conversation uninterrupted by anything electric.  Nice!  And as the sun fell, so did we . . . we fell asleep, lending to deeper understanding of a lyric from the Sound of Music; " . . . the sun has gone to bed and so must I . . ."

The novelty of powerlessness wore off on Saturday.  Body odor combined with deprivation of customary creature comforts threatened our/my peace.  "I'm a pretty fragile creature" I thought.  Well, at least a creature accustomed to creature comforts.  Thankfully we've experienced some third world travel that put the temporary inconvenience in perspective.  "This is the rule and not the exception for many in the world" I thought. 

But then, I dug a little deeper, especially after a twelve hour reprieve during which power was restored (Sun 5am to 5p, at which time another torrent of wind blew through and blew down many of the same power lines!)  Could there be a spiritual lesson in this?  Something God would like to remind me?  As suddenly as I asked the question, a specific verse came to mind,

Apart from me you can do nothing . . . I am the vine, and you are the branches, apart from me you can do nothing! (John 15)

Without electrical power there wasn't much we were able to do that we were usually able to do.  But The Lord's point goes even further.  Apart from me, you can do nothing.

What have you tried to do in your own strength and wisdom recently?  Juxtapose that against something you did with His peace and wisdom.  What was the difference?

One thing I love about serving as a counselor is the complexity and difficulty of my client's circumstances.  What? Why? Because I have constant need to seek out the power, strength, wisdom and will of the ONE in whom all things hold together (Colossians 1).  I have to hear from Him and experience His peace and strength to serve effectively.

The absence of electrical power reminded me of our relative powerlessness in a physically fragile world.  Isn't it great that we aren't powerless spiritually?  That we can choose to connect and remain connected to the One True Vine!

Our electrical power has been restored, and we're relieved.  Its back to life as usual, but not before an important reminder was received.  Apart from Him, we can do nothing . . .

Where in your life, relationships, work and minsitry do you need his wisdom and power today?  In what ways do others need to receive it from you?  Retreat to some solitude with Jesus and ask Him to speak to you and teach you, remembering that Apart from Him we can do nothing . . . instead, we can do all things through Him who gives us strength!

Billion Dollar Thinking

"Jeff, you are one phone call away from being a billionaire!"  A provocative friend recently reminded me that God is in charge of all resources needed to accomplish the Kingdom work that He wants to be done. 

What would you do with a billion dollars? Why even think about it?

Thus far, we've seen thousands of dollars spontaneously given 'to a mission that does some good' as one donor put it.  And over the past decade of obedience to 'do as much good for as many as possible as well as possible' we've seen hundreds of thousands of dollars provided for housing, living expenses, moving, writing, publishing.  And, by the way, worry about where it would come from never brought it our way.  The other by the way is that hundreds of marriages have been directly impacted and we dare say thousands by the teaching and coaching provided by couples we've served. The bottom line is that more has been done for more than we  imagined had we not imagined.  Make sense? 

But, my friend's challenge was a prompt to continue to dream. 

The primary value of such hoping and dreaming, I think, is because it turns limited thinking on its head.  How often have you either heard or said, "If I had more money, I could do more good" but stop short of thinking about and planning for the good that you would do?  I'm suggesting to myself (and to you if you need to hear it) to dream and plan as if to actually implement it!

Less than a year ago a friend called to ask if we would like to train Chinese Americans in all North American English speaking Chinese churches as a way to strategically multiply the ministry of marriage coaching.  "Yes!"  Then came the how.  While that isn't clear, the initiative is certainly worth thinking about and planning for.  It hasn't materialized yet, but I won't be surprised when it does.  God wills in us to work according to His good purposes.  He clearly moved in the dreamer's mind to imagine such a project and to prompt him to call.

Our audacious dreams aren't audacious to God.  More than once I've conceptualized a vision only to hear the whisper of the Holy Spirit, "I am the one who can do immeasurably more than you can ask or imagine.  Keep dreaming."

A practical reason to engage in billion dollar thinking is because people give to vision.   This is a point made in training of non-profit ministry leaders by Mission Increase Foundation, www.missionincrease.org.  The implication of this principle is clear.  If you want people to join you in vision and mission, then you must envision and communicate God-sized dreams!

What has Father put in your heart to do for Him and those He loves?  Billion dollar thinking is one way to access and activate some of what He has put into you.

blessings, Jeff 

Three Levels of Loving Listening

"I got a massage this morning!", my friend boasted. "Well bully for you, buddy!" I retorted without thinking. "It must be nice to have the kind of money to indulge yourself like that. I sure don't." Needless to say, that was the beginning of an intense conversation that could have ended badly but instead strengthened our relationship. Just yesterday the tables were turned when I shared about some pleasurable indulgences of free time that aren't readily available to him because we are in different seasons of life. "Hey, can I just tell you that I'm hearing this the same way that you heard me about my massage?" Ooops. Guilty. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way."

Our conversation got me to thinking about this common breakdown in communication. "What is it?" The common denominator in both conversations was that the listener was listening from the perspective of what it meant to them. May I suggest that this is the lowest level of listening because it is self-focused? When I do this I'm apt to launch a conversation in my own mind in which I compare lifestyles, opportunities, blessings, etc., and that inevitably leads to self-pity, envy, jealously . . . in other words, nothing good. May I further suggest that the quality of our conversations and relationships would be much improved by eliminiating Level I listening from our repetoire? Level I - What it means to me

In comparision, Level II listening is What is means to them. At Level II you listen for what it means to the speaker. An easy way to do this is to simply ask, "What does that mean to you?" Another way is to reflect to them what they shared with you. One blessing at this level is found in Jesus's words, "It is more blessed to give than to receive." At level II you give the gift of listening and thereby provide an opporutnity for the speaker and yourself to understand and discuss the meaning of the thing(s) they want to share with you.

But Level III goes even further. Level III is listening for what something really means and/or what it means to God Take the instance of resignation from a long held job (ministry staff, teacher, therapist on a mental health unit, etc.). The Level of listening by those who are being left behind is a big part of the way they say goodbye; in anger or tears. Level I listeners hear the announcement of resignation according to what it means to them (e.g., more work, stress to train a new employee, jealousy that it isn't them who gets to leave for a glorious job). Level II listeners celebrate what the resignation means to the person leaving. Thus, they are genuinely happy for their former colleague.

But Level III listeners hear and see what a colleague's departure means for the Big Picture, such as the Kingdom of God. "We happily release you and bless you becasue we see and affirm the gifts and abilities God has given you for others. We have been blessed to be alongside you for a season, and we are excited not just because this is a great opportunity for you, but for those God is positioning you to serve!" As you consider Levels of listening, think about how you like to be listened to. I suspect you will say Level II or Level III. If so, know that we can each do our part to cultivate a culture of loving listening (Level II) and Kingdom listening (Level III).

So, let's get to it. Give the type of listening you would like to receive and it will probably come back to you (You reap what you sow).

Blessings, Jeff

Birthday Reflections, 2012

It's hard to believe that another year has passed, but spring weather similar to my last birthday and many others testifies that 'tis the season! A tinge of cold that requires a wind shirt, with bright sunshine a few brave birds and buds and blossoms on the trees...yep, it's March.

This was my 47th year! (tomorrow). And for some reason I'm expecting big things in my 48th! After all, it was when Jack Nicklaus was 47 that he won his sixth and final Masters, and Al Unser Sr. won his fourth and final Indy 500. In other words, 47 isn't too old to do great things!

I have a personal policy to take my birthday off from work. Why? I'm glad you asked. In the past I've worked my birthdays, giving to others as I do most days the balance of the year...and I've sometimes resented making the day about others instead of caring for myself. Selfish? Bad attitude? Or healthy self-care? Jesus taught us us to "Love your neighbor as yourself". So, I conclude that a prerequisite to loving others is good self-care. What do YOU think?

Anyways, I'm looking forward to my birthday Sabbath. No certain obligations, but to roam and flow as the Spirit moves me.

One thing I'm contemplating is a 'Legacy Bike Ride'. What's that? Probably a northern course of at least 47 miles that will go past my Grand Parents house and my father's grave. They loved me and loved my birthday. It's bittersweet to not be with them tomorrow, but I can visit them...kind of (tears).

Well, what has transpired in the past year? What are my 'takeaways'?

- Laura driving and thriving (academically and in her gift in music)
- A trip with Jill to India to train cross-cultural workers in Marriage Coaching
- Publishing our Magnum Opus, "Marriage Coaching: Heart Hope and Skills for a Great Relationship",
- a belated 25th Anniversary Trip to the Northern Coast of California and Bethel Chruch in Redding California (we didn't know that all of this was on our bucket list until we got there!)

The year was also marked by unprecedented and grief. My father passed on Nov. 28th, and we laid him to rest on Dec. 10th. As I've written in previous blogs, the experience has been much harder than I anticipated. Ironically it was in my last birthday blog that I chronicled a visit to my ailing father.

This blog isn't exhaustive, but breaks my writing silence of the past few months. Life has been both taxing and exhilarating. Fellowship with other believers has been both rich and challenging, frustrating and compelling.

In my last birthday blog I celebrated my father's impartation of wisdom to keep looking forward by considering today as the first day of the rest of your life. This birthday I want to exhort myself and you to Carpe Diem! Seize the Day for ALL that God has planned for you to do and to experience in relationship with Him and others, and to do that by listening for and following His prompts!

God Bless, Agape Love, and Carpe Diem!

Jeff

Grief without Regrets

"I think we get it confused sometimes", Jill said. "We grieve about what has been lost and the outcome of different choices, but we've made our choices together the best we could with the information we had, and so I don't regret what we chose, but I do grieve."

Dr. Vellanki found me licking my wounds in the break room, and he intuited my spirit. I was sad and aggravated with myself because the choice I'd made to help someone had backfired. "Jeff, your heart is good. I trust you, and I know you made that choice with the information you had available. You meant good." I can't tell you how much Dr. V's affirmation meant to me.

Are you grieving something, or someone? How about grief about what was said/done or not said and not done in a relationship? Personally, the more I sleep the more I dream about my dad. Very strange in one way, but healthy and real in another. Last night I dreamed that dad was alive at a family gathering. Eventually it was made clear to me that I was the only one talking to him; that I was hallucinating (in my dream) that he was still among us. Grief? yes. With regrets? No. I'm confident that we both did the best we could with the information and opportunities we had and that we created.

What prompted this blog? Late this afternoon I was moved to click on a podcast from Mars Hill Church by Mark Driscoll, "Ministry Marriages". He laid out how idolatry is the culprit behind all sin, including the veneration of ministry leaders who sometimes put their marriage and family on the altar of sacrifice in order to "further the gospel". His poignant indictment hit close to home regarding my/our motives to risk and sacrifice in the past. Both Jill and I listened to it, and eventually she let me and us off the hook saying, "I grieve, but I don't have regrets."

Is hindsight 20/20? Maybe not perfect acuity, but close. And that's the point. If we knew then what we knew today we might have chosen differently, but we didn't. We chose the best we could with the information we had, and that is our solace.

The Grand Caveat to all of this is the fact that God works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. We do the best we know today, and tomorrow we the same; sometimes changing our minds according to experience and outcomes.

Grieve as you must (and we all will according to the losses and changes visited upon us), but don't regret unfairly. You probably chose the best you could with the information you had. Get more information tomorrow, and have the humility to choose differently. One day will see very clearly. Until then, He understands (and so should we) that we see now behind a glass dimly lit.

with love and compassion, Jeff

The Visit is Over

Four days ago our guileless, radiant, precocious granddaughter, Gabby Anne came for a visit. Bright smile and outstretched arms made Papa's day (I was waiting in the driveway), "I love you Papa!" I'm not sure there's anything better.

Gabby is just past 3 1/2 and headed toward 4 (June 25), and is a remarkable bundle of enthusiastic joy, curiosity and love. No wonder people flock to her (our house has had a revolving door of family and friends anxious for an injection of joy from the child-like child).

Our house is strewn with markers, dolls, stuffed animals, sidewalk chalk, a scooter, helmet and various items of clothing...and we don't care! It is the aftermath of a love-fest; her loving us and us unable to do anything but patiently lavish love in return.

"I love you Papa, and I want to stay here forever!" Gabby's heart felt exultation brought tears. Why? Because her words sincerely flowed from her heart, and...because I know that there is no forever...in this life." Gabby seemed to realize this truth late this afternoon. After waking from a nap, she melted. My trained eye as a clinician sees her beginning to detach from us as she prepares to re-attach to her mother, father and her other set of grandparents. That's healthy, ultimately, but a contradiction to her optimistic "forever". And so the our little 'innocent' bundle of love and joy has already begun to experience the reality that there is no 'forever' in human time and space.

We somehow console ourselves with the hope of another visit and the ultimate 'forever' of eternity beyond our present reality, but still we wish she didn't have to go. It hurts to say goodbye.

Go if you must, Gabby. And go with God. He will never leave you or forsake you, and by trusting in His name, you will know a forever that is really forever. And we will see you there, and be with you there...forever!

Love, Papa and Grandma Jill