Good Grief!

My eyes still burn from some crying today. Jill, Laura and I said goodbye, AGAIN, to Carly and Gabby after a trip to see them and present a seminar in Baltimore area. But the tears of sorrow about going our separate ways are combined with tears of gratitude. Our daughter and granddaughter seem to be thriving, not just surviving their new life (The women and children’s program at Wilson College which they began August 15).

“I’m more than happy to sacrifice for their good, Jeff. Carly is growing and getting a great education, and Gabby is thriving too (in her pre-school, with new friends)!”

Loss, change, transition; a myriad of thoughts and feelings accompany these experiences; Tears, memories, hugs… And while it’s not easy to feel the feelings, such times are navigable, especially when we ask Jesus to walk with us through them. After all, he is a man familiar with sorrows and acquainted with grief.

It was an exciting weekend. Upon arrival in Chambersburg, PA, Gabby quivered with smiles and squeals when she saw us. “She remembers us!” Big hugs and kisses preceded our dinner. Wow! Does she ever love her Sissie! And each of us got our turn with the guileless child, “I like you”, she said as she sat down on my lap and hugged.

But there were struggles, too. Since we’re only in the 7th week of transition from living in Maryland to our new life in Ohio, Jill and I are still experimenting to discover a rhythm of quality time together. The bottom line is that the task of setting up and running a counseling practice has eaten into time we used in the past to thoroughly communicate about every facet of our lives; a necessity we think for those involved in relationship ministry; we’ve got to have a strong and pleasurable relationship if we’re goint to export that to others.

Surprisingly, it’s been one of the toughest times we’ve faced. Even as much good is happening (i.e., strides toward financial and ministry goals) the enemy seeks to devour and destroy with irksome misunderstandings and sensitivities. But thank God that when we reach for Him, He gives us a multitude of ways to withstand the evil onslaught. As we often remind our clients, the sword of the Spirit, The Word of God, is an incredible offensive weapon in the Christian Soldier’s arsenal (Ephesians 6:10-18).

Take heart fellow and sister sojourners. The One in us is greater than the one in the world, and He has given us everything we need for life and Godliness.

Breathing Room and Disorientation

I'm having a hard time getting my motor going to do anything but rest, breathe and enjoy my favorite aerobic recreation of cycling (280 miles over the past eight days; I know, crazy...). Don't get the wrong idea though. There is a never-ending list of honey-do's to help Jill feel settled in our new home, home office, office and midwest U.S. culture (I had eight months of commuting to adjust, but she will have been in Clark County, OH for just 3 weeks tomorrow).

Something significant has transpired in my spirit, but I can't quite put my finger on it or articulate it very well yet, so I'm going to process out loud with you (and graciously accept some peer coaching during which you can open and hold my heart by asking and listening if you are inclined).

It feels like we've crossed the finish line of an ultra-marathon race in which the finish line was hidden, and the only way to complete it was to run with intensity, nothing held back, until God decided to drop in the finish line on the course after about six years (Sept. 2004 was culmination of year-long development of Community Marriage Policy and beginning of our move to DC, while Sept 2010 is readjustment to our hometown). In some ways it would have been easier to continue living under duress of our lifestyle and circumstances on the East Coast. When you've been running hard it's sometimes very disorienting to STOP...like an Indy car driver going from 200mph on the course to a dead stop in the pits.

But it seems that God has appointed a new place for us to live, at least for a season (how does one ever know when in His service?)

In less than a month's time:
- He rented our house in MD to a Christian couple
- He arranged for a palatial home in OH with double the space of our home in MD and half the occupants (what's up w/ that?)
- He put us in proximity to family and friends (old shoe friends; the kind with which you are really comfortable cause you've been wearing them a long time)

And I just want to exhale, breath, and rest. Laura commented today that this weekend I've been living like Harley (our dog), "Mom, all he's doing is sleeping, eating, and exercising...I grinned, and went back to sleep...aaahhh!

Jill is trying to get settled in our new home, home office, office and a very different cultural setting; all that while dealing with yet another laptop crash, and fender bender in the High School parking lot (Welcome Back!)

We're not too worried about ourselves. This is our eighth home in five cities in twenty-five years of marriage; in other words, we're somewhat practiced at relocation and adjustment. Rule of thumb - Give yourself 3 months to adjust before getting worried about emotional undulations or confusion. Us humans are fairly resilient creatures, but we require time in transition to establish new patterns or to groove "old" patterns into new settings.

The best news is that Jesus moved with us. In fact, it appears He came before us to prepare the way. I know it may sound silly, but I did wonder if I would be able to hear Him and relate to Him in a similarly intimate fashion here (Oh) as there (MD/DC). I'm relieved that He is here too, and that hearing Him is as easy as ever; to hear Him only requires constant conversation.

Well, that's it the update on life at our new outpost, Clark County, Ohio.

God bless ya'll! Jeff

Moving and Memories

It's been more than a month since I wrote. On July 12 I confessed being brokenhearted. Today, I'm not sure about all the feelings I feel, but a big one is gratitude; I'm grateful to God for His perfectly choreographed series of no's, not yet's and yes's that we have experienced as a family over the past five years, six months and twenty-four days (since we moved into a home in the greater Washington D.C. area). This has been an unprecedented learning experience for all of us. It's been grueling and exhilarating; exactly what all of us needed to come to the end of ourselves and to the beginning of God.

Yesterday we saw 30-40 some men and women of the Waterboyz for Jesus, www.Waterboyz.org move the contents of our home onto two trucks (see photo album on facebook if you are interested). The neighbors are still talking about the remarkable way it was done. "Who were all those people?" WOW! Moved out in one morning. The first waves arrived about 9:35am, and the "finishers" left about 1pm after fitting our earthly belongings mostly onto one 26 foot Penske Truck (not a Budget truck, ala Tony Stoltzfus!)

But while our "belongings" fit onto a couple of trucks, our memories don't. Those we carry with us in our minds and hearts.

As I looked around the group that gathered I remembered rounds of golf, a trip to Myrtle beach, numerous "table" meetings where we transparently shared the struggles and victories of life, and a few men and couples whose marriages we'd served. And the number of folks we've interacted with for mutual impact is thousands more who we didn't know at all five years ago. God simply impressed on us to serve those He put on our path, and still those marching orders remain.

One friend took me to a quiet corner of the house to say goodbye. After sharing some memories and words of appreciation, he marveled at the way God put the plan together for us to move at the last minute.* I told him that the Ohio home would be our fourth in twenty years. "Will you stay there permanently?" he asked. "I don't know" I replied. We'll see what the Lord has and where He wants us to be." "I couldn't do that", he said. "I need my creature comforts, but for you guys this is a the way you live." He seemed shaken, maybe challenged; perhaps a bit scared that some of our willingness to respond to Abrahamic calls (get up and go the the place I will show you) might rub off.

But don't think it's all grand and glorious, and don't think we're lauding ourselves. The way I've done this leaves much to be desired. With hindsight there are some things I'd do differently. I'd fret less, grieve "losses" with better understanding that if God takes something away that He is freeing my hands for something better, and somehow be better for my loved ones by isolating less and not being so grouchy.

And there are numerous costs to living one's calling. One clear cost to us has been financial. We have nowhere the financial stability and security that we once had, BUT, our needs are met in an exceeding abundant way. We haven't missed a house payment or a meal. Just this morning I reminded myself to live one day at a time (thank you, Jesus), for God has promised to provide our needs. I don't have to see how He is going to do that, nor does He need me to instruct Him in "strategy prayers" (the kind where I tell Him how to do things). He wants me to live loved in relationship with Him, fully trusting Him to do what He says He is going to do. I want to believe...please help my unbelief!

Well, the sun is up and it's time to take Carly and Gabby to Wilson College. How do I feel about that? Glad, sad...you get it; the myriad of emotions that come with loss and change.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for befriending us on the journey (and allowing us to befriend you).

with love and blessings, Jeff

*On the morning of July 29 Jill and I surrendered our desire and plan to move back to Ohio. "If we don't have a signed contract to rent out our home in MD by August 21, then we aren't moving." Later that afternoon a Christian couple with two young children joyfully toured our abode. By that evening we'd agreed by phone to proceed with a two-year lease. The following week we signed to rent a remarkable home in Springfield.

Absolute Surrender...the key to lasting peace

Today began peacefully, but now I'm stressed and brokenhearted. Uncertainty about the fruition of hope for future provisions for our own family and the restoration of a couple's marriage; these are the sources of my distress. But, I know the anti-dote, and I've already begun to apply it...absolute surrender to the plans and purposes of God.

They say with age comes wisdom...at least the possibility of wisdom through learning. What I continue to learn is that I have very little control. My attitude is ultimately all I can control, but even that isn't said accurately. Actually, surrender of my attitude, perspective, desires, etc. and ongoing humble requests for Jesus to help me (to carry the load, to point the way, to apply the balm of his peace to my hurting heart) is all that I can do.

Time after time, God provides opportunities for me to open my hands to hand back to Him that which I want to count on...(i.e. procurement of a nice home for my family, "successful healing" of a crisis marriage), and time after time I get to remember that "neither he who plants or he who waters is anything...but God who makes it grow", and that "man can make his plans, but God orders his steps".

I found myself penning these words this morning in an email. "This is our hope and desire _________________, but if for any reason it doesn't work out, there will be no hard feelings. We will simply accept that God has something different for us." Are those just cliche words with which I attempt to pacify myself, or do I really mean them?

Looking back, I can see the good that He had in mind through many circumstances that didn't make sense at the time. Not that all disappointments of the past now make sense...some don't, but I'm confident that one day they will. For now we see, "through a glass dimly lit".

One of the greatest realities is that none of us know about tomorrow. We can simply embrace today...every moment, conversation, conscious thought and consecrate to His purposes. "Father, your ways our higher than our ways...your thoughts higher than ours". Just as Jesus, I will let you know what I want, and then surrender and submit the results to you. "Father, if there would be any other way but for me to drink this cup...but not my will; thine be done."

If I have nothing else...not the creature comforts I want...not the results of healed and restored marriages and families that I long for...I have Him. And He's enough. For some of us it takes having nothing else, or having hope interminably deferred to get that point. And so I give thanks for the lengths to which He has gone to give me Himself. If He gives more than that it's icing on the cake, not the sustenance I/we actually need. He is the all in all.

And so, it can be well with my soul.

On the daily journey, Jeff

A Lion Learning to Live Loved

Six more months and we will have been married for twenty-five years!

But just like a soldier still in-country, even though they have a departure date for home; a safe outcome isn't guaranteed.

These were among my thoughts as I watched my wife suffer with pain and fever over the past week. "What's happening? Is she dying? THERE HAS TO BE A SOLUTION!"

I'm a LION, CHOLERIC, DRIVER...An Aggressive Problem-Solver in short. For such as me it is extremely difficult to watch, wait and pray. We want to DO! But waiting on Him and praying is the doing that gets things done in His Kingdom.

Living loved, meaning trust that there is ONE who loves me more than I can imagine, and has my best in mind in all things is a challenge, particularly because I learned to care for myself from an early age; not that I wasn't cared for, but enter divorce into a child's life, and inevitably there is a question about how their needs will be met...add to that either the physical or emotional absence of either parent, and you have the recipe for the child to make the decision that they'd better learn to anticipate needs and get real good at caring for ole' #1, SELF.

While such may be adaptive thinking and behavior under duress, it can cause problems in relationship with God and others later on.

But back to the point. The learning curve for self-willed, determined, aggressive problem-solvers such as I is steep because it is a path fraught with gauntlets divinely placed to exorcise self out of self so that there is room for trust in God; one who cares more for my SELF than myself. Does this make sense?

Here's how this translates in practical terms:

This week I watched my wife begin to become overcome with infection that eventually required emergency hospitalization to provide infusion of strong antibiotics. The Lion in me wanted to take charge to make things better. The loved Lion realized that God loves her even more than I do, and that He was on the job as her Healer, and that I would do best for Jill by cooperating with His plan and timing of intervention for her healing. The bottom line is that this required asking and listening to God as the treatment director rather than simply consulting myself. Where this gets complicated is in Him working through my/our temperaments to effect His will. So, I get an idea of something to do...is that me or Him. Only asking Him and learning to hear and feel His peace tells the difference.

While I definitely believe that He cares about outcome, I also believe that as important and precious to Him is our dependence, reliance and ongoing dialogue.

So, my conclusion for now is that living as a loved lion is to trust, wait on and submit to THE LION of Judah, one who has good for me and and wants to do good through me.

If He exalts me, in ways that most of humanity considers exalted (fortune and fame), I will praise Him, and if He slays me or ordains what most of humanity considers tragic, I will praise Him. I will praise Him in all things, and seek to hear Him, know Him and enjoy Him as I trust that He is working everything together for good. Amen?

Men Making Friends: Essential Relationships for Living Life Purpose

I learned a lot about friendship the past few years during a painful season of pruning that God designed to build character and shape my/our calling. During this time I was often depressed, disappointed, and confused. I had little to give others in friendship, but seven men in particular gave to me anyhow. They invested huge quantities of time to listen and to encourage my hurting and confused heart. They didn’t judge, they always affirmed my value and character, and spoke of hope for a better future without using cliche. I can’t imagine surviving the season without them. Now it’s incumbent on me to give what I received (II Corinthians 1).

Male friendship seems to be rare, yet when it’s done well the participants describe it as priceless. Why is it rare? What makes it priceless, and how can a guy develop such relationships? First let’s consider why fewer than 10% of men report having a close male friend.

Individualism and the Anti-dote
I think intentionally dependent male friendship is rare among American men because we have been conditioned by the philosophy of rugged individualism ; the belief system that success is a function of self-reliance. As westerners we laud and admire self-made and self-reliant men, but in reality such independence isn’t Biblical. Rather, the members of the Body of Christ are designed and positioned to serve and support each other, according to the gifts they’ve been given,

I Peter 4:8-10, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms”(NIV, emphasis mine).

Life-saving Friendships
The value of sacrificial friendship becomes apparent when a man is down and out; when he is feeling defeated, hopeless, and doubtful about his worth and purpose in life. Scripture points out that a man alone in such circumstance is to be pitied,

Ecclesiastes 4:10, “If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (NIV).

The men who made time to befriend me were a lifeline. Their friendship preserved my life, marriage and ministry. While I’ve named seven in particular, many more reached out at just the right time to speak a word of hope, affirmation and encouragement to persevere (these seven stand out because they were especially non-judgmental and refrained from unsolicited advice-giving).

Perhaps your life circumstances aren’t desperate, at the moment. But they might be at some point. Will you have friendships in place to help you up when your life gets tough? That will probably depend on whether or not you make a proactive investment to ask for friends, and to be a friend. The time is now.

Friends are Friends Forever
In the early 1990’s Tim Schofield took a risk by telling me that he needed a man like me to be a regular part of his life. “I need you in my life. If the feeling is mutual, I wonder if you would be willing to make our friendship a priority by dedicating time to really know each other and to help each other to grow and mature in relationship with God, our wives, children, etc.?” I accepted the invitation and enjoyed a deep 10 year friendship. While we’ve released each other to invest in other relationships per a geographical separation that precludes regular face to face contact, we remain “go to” friends who could unapologetically call each other at 3am if needed.

How Any Man Can Grow a Great Friendship
Worthwhile things in life usually require sacrifice and risk. Tim led me into an invaluable friendship by doing both. Expect to sacrifice and invest if you want a circle of great friendships.

1. Identify a guy (or two or three) that you respect

2. Identify the qualities that you respect.

3. Risk telling him/them that you need guys like him in your life.

4. Tell him/them that you are willing to invest time and effort in friendship.

5. Give what you would like to receive, for example:
a. Time
b. Transparency
c. Confidentiality

5. Define what friendship done well will look like, for instance:
a. Time spent in conversation about relationship with God, wife, children
b. Setting and sharing goals and accountability to grow.
c. Sharing and challenge about career and ministry
d. Enjoyment of recreational activities

6. Be proactive.
a. Ask for time together; put it on your calendar.
b. Suggest things to do together, and keep your appointments.
c. Dependability and reliability is huge. Are you known as a man who keeps his word, even when it hurts?


Fulfilling Your Destiny and Finishing Well
The bottom line about essential male friendships is about fulfilling one’s life purpose with integrity over the long haul. Think about the men that have enabled Tiger’s philandering or alleged doping by Lance Armstrong. Were these men friends to marvelously talented athletes and cultural icons? No, true friends would have checked these guys by confronting them about the short-sightedness of their fleshly ambitions and they would have advocated for integrity.

One can never have too many friends; true friends willing to invest time and energy in your life, and open to receiving the same in reciprocal relationship.

Finally, here is an instructive quote from an influential mentor, Jim Duffee, M.D.

I went to find a friend, but there were no friends there,
But when I went to BE a friend there were friends everywhere!