Three Levels of Loving Listening

"I got a massage this morning!", my friend boasted. "Well bully for you, buddy!" I retorted without thinking. "It must be nice to have the kind of money to indulge yourself like that. I sure don't." Needless to say, that was the beginning of an intense conversation that could have ended badly but instead strengthened our relationship. Just yesterday the tables were turned when I shared about some pleasurable indulgences of free time that aren't readily available to him because we are in different seasons of life. "Hey, can I just tell you that I'm hearing this the same way that you heard me about my massage?" Ooops. Guilty. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way."

Our conversation got me to thinking about this common breakdown in communication. "What is it?" The common denominator in both conversations was that the listener was listening from the perspective of what it meant to them. May I suggest that this is the lowest level of listening because it is self-focused? When I do this I'm apt to launch a conversation in my own mind in which I compare lifestyles, opportunities, blessings, etc., and that inevitably leads to self-pity, envy, jealously . . . in other words, nothing good. May I further suggest that the quality of our conversations and relationships would be much improved by eliminiating Level I listening from our repetoire? Level I - What it means to me

In comparision, Level II listening is What is means to them. At Level II you listen for what it means to the speaker. An easy way to do this is to simply ask, "What does that mean to you?" Another way is to reflect to them what they shared with you. One blessing at this level is found in Jesus's words, "It is more blessed to give than to receive." At level II you give the gift of listening and thereby provide an opporutnity for the speaker and yourself to understand and discuss the meaning of the thing(s) they want to share with you.

But Level III goes even further. Level III is listening for what something really means and/or what it means to God Take the instance of resignation from a long held job (ministry staff, teacher, therapist on a mental health unit, etc.). The Level of listening by those who are being left behind is a big part of the way they say goodbye; in anger or tears. Level I listeners hear the announcement of resignation according to what it means to them (e.g., more work, stress to train a new employee, jealousy that it isn't them who gets to leave for a glorious job). Level II listeners celebrate what the resignation means to the person leaving. Thus, they are genuinely happy for their former colleague.

But Level III listeners hear and see what a colleague's departure means for the Big Picture, such as the Kingdom of God. "We happily release you and bless you becasue we see and affirm the gifts and abilities God has given you for others. We have been blessed to be alongside you for a season, and we are excited not just because this is a great opportunity for you, but for those God is positioning you to serve!" As you consider Levels of listening, think about how you like to be listened to. I suspect you will say Level II or Level III. If so, know that we can each do our part to cultivate a culture of loving listening (Level II) and Kingdom listening (Level III).

So, let's get to it. Give the type of listening you would like to receive and it will probably come back to you (You reap what you sow).

Blessings, Jeff

Birthday Reflections, 2012

It's hard to believe that another year has passed, but spring weather similar to my last birthday and many others testifies that 'tis the season! A tinge of cold that requires a wind shirt, with bright sunshine a few brave birds and buds and blossoms on the trees...yep, it's March.

This was my 47th year! (tomorrow). And for some reason I'm expecting big things in my 48th! After all, it was when Jack Nicklaus was 47 that he won his sixth and final Masters, and Al Unser Sr. won his fourth and final Indy 500. In other words, 47 isn't too old to do great things!

I have a personal policy to take my birthday off from work. Why? I'm glad you asked. In the past I've worked my birthdays, giving to others as I do most days the balance of the year...and I've sometimes resented making the day about others instead of caring for myself. Selfish? Bad attitude? Or healthy self-care? Jesus taught us us to "Love your neighbor as yourself". So, I conclude that a prerequisite to loving others is good self-care. What do YOU think?

Anyways, I'm looking forward to my birthday Sabbath. No certain obligations, but to roam and flow as the Spirit moves me.

One thing I'm contemplating is a 'Legacy Bike Ride'. What's that? Probably a northern course of at least 47 miles that will go past my Grand Parents house and my father's grave. They loved me and loved my birthday. It's bittersweet to not be with them tomorrow, but I can visit them...kind of (tears).

Well, what has transpired in the past year? What are my 'takeaways'?

- Laura driving and thriving (academically and in her gift in music)
- A trip with Jill to India to train cross-cultural workers in Marriage Coaching
- Publishing our Magnum Opus, "Marriage Coaching: Heart Hope and Skills for a Great Relationship",
- a belated 25th Anniversary Trip to the Northern Coast of California and Bethel Chruch in Redding California (we didn't know that all of this was on our bucket list until we got there!)

The year was also marked by unprecedented and grief. My father passed on Nov. 28th, and we laid him to rest on Dec. 10th. As I've written in previous blogs, the experience has been much harder than I anticipated. Ironically it was in my last birthday blog that I chronicled a visit to my ailing father.

This blog isn't exhaustive, but breaks my writing silence of the past few months. Life has been both taxing and exhilarating. Fellowship with other believers has been both rich and challenging, frustrating and compelling.

In my last birthday blog I celebrated my father's impartation of wisdom to keep looking forward by considering today as the first day of the rest of your life. This birthday I want to exhort myself and you to Carpe Diem! Seize the Day for ALL that God has planned for you to do and to experience in relationship with Him and others, and to do that by listening for and following His prompts!

God Bless, Agape Love, and Carpe Diem!

Jeff

Grief without Regrets

"I think we get it confused sometimes", Jill said. "We grieve about what has been lost and the outcome of different choices, but we've made our choices together the best we could with the information we had, and so I don't regret what we chose, but I do grieve."

Dr. Vellanki found me licking my wounds in the break room, and he intuited my spirit. I was sad and aggravated with myself because the choice I'd made to help someone had backfired. "Jeff, your heart is good. I trust you, and I know you made that choice with the information you had available. You meant good." I can't tell you how much Dr. V's affirmation meant to me.

Are you grieving something, or someone? How about grief about what was said/done or not said and not done in a relationship? Personally, the more I sleep the more I dream about my dad. Very strange in one way, but healthy and real in another. Last night I dreamed that dad was alive at a family gathering. Eventually it was made clear to me that I was the only one talking to him; that I was hallucinating (in my dream) that he was still among us. Grief? yes. With regrets? No. I'm confident that we both did the best we could with the information and opportunities we had and that we created.

What prompted this blog? Late this afternoon I was moved to click on a podcast from Mars Hill Church by Mark Driscoll, "Ministry Marriages". He laid out how idolatry is the culprit behind all sin, including the veneration of ministry leaders who sometimes put their marriage and family on the altar of sacrifice in order to "further the gospel". His poignant indictment hit close to home regarding my/our motives to risk and sacrifice in the past. Both Jill and I listened to it, and eventually she let me and us off the hook saying, "I grieve, but I don't have regrets."

Is hindsight 20/20? Maybe not perfect acuity, but close. And that's the point. If we knew then what we knew today we might have chosen differently, but we didn't. We chose the best we could with the information we had, and that is our solace.

The Grand Caveat to all of this is the fact that God works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. We do the best we know today, and tomorrow we the same; sometimes changing our minds according to experience and outcomes.

Grieve as you must (and we all will according to the losses and changes visited upon us), but don't regret unfairly. You probably chose the best you could with the information you had. Get more information tomorrow, and have the humility to choose differently. One day will see very clearly. Until then, He understands (and so should we) that we see now behind a glass dimly lit.

with love and compassion, Jeff

The Visit is Over

Four days ago our guileless, radiant, precocious granddaughter, Gabby Anne came for a visit. Bright smile and outstretched arms made Papa's day (I was waiting in the driveway), "I love you Papa!" I'm not sure there's anything better.

Gabby is just past 3 1/2 and headed toward 4 (June 25), and is a remarkable bundle of enthusiastic joy, curiosity and love. No wonder people flock to her (our house has had a revolving door of family and friends anxious for an injection of joy from the child-like child).

Our house is strewn with markers, dolls, stuffed animals, sidewalk chalk, a scooter, helmet and various items of clothing...and we don't care! It is the aftermath of a love-fest; her loving us and us unable to do anything but patiently lavish love in return.

"I love you Papa, and I want to stay here forever!" Gabby's heart felt exultation brought tears. Why? Because her words sincerely flowed from her heart, and...because I know that there is no forever...in this life." Gabby seemed to realize this truth late this afternoon. After waking from a nap, she melted. My trained eye as a clinician sees her beginning to detach from us as she prepares to re-attach to her mother, father and her other set of grandparents. That's healthy, ultimately, but a contradiction to her optimistic "forever". And so the our little 'innocent' bundle of love and joy has already begun to experience the reality that there is no 'forever' in human time and space.

We somehow console ourselves with the hope of another visit and the ultimate 'forever' of eternity beyond our present reality, but still we wish she didn't have to go. It hurts to say goodbye.

Go if you must, Gabby. And go with God. He will never leave you or forsake you, and by trusting in His name, you will know a forever that is really forever. And we will see you there, and be with you there...forever!

Love, Papa and Grandma Jill

Miracles I'm willing to work for (aka, New Year's Resolutions)

Sounds a little off, doesn't it? Miracles I'll work for? By definition, a miracle is something beyond the norm, and usually not something you bring about for yourself, but follow me for a minute (or two).

Typically, New Year's Resolutions are desires for something different because a person is sick of the way things are. So, typically, a statement of resolve goes something like this, "Next year, I'm not going to..." That's a set up for failure because its about eliminating some type of activity or behavior. Better is a statement of what one IS going to do. "Next Year I'm going to eat low cholesterol proteins toward the goal of developing a more lean body, and healthy cardiovascular system."

An even better and more successful way to accomplish goals is to visualize the end result and the benefits of achieving that end. "Next year, by June 2012, I will be cycling with the strongest group of riders in my hometown at or near the same body weight that I was when racing ten years ago." There are a lot of do's and don'ts embedded in that goal, but the way its said increases the probability that it will become a reality. And, it becomes more desirable as something I'll work for as I visualize myself doing this and enjoy some emotional imagination about how it will feel.

As 2011 winds down with a big accomplishment (Publishing our book, "Marriage Coaching: Heart Hope and Skills for a Great Relationship") and a big loss (my father's passing on Nov. 28), I've been moved to consider what I want for the next season of life and the action-steps to make those desires a reality. The tired language of "New Year's Resolutions" just isn't cutting it for me, and some of my desires seem so big that I think they would be on the order of a miracle and would also require my cooperation to bring them about and sustain them, thus the lingo, "Miracles I'm willing to work for."

I came to this partially from experience in our counseling and coaching practice, Grace and Truth, this past year as we watched many miracles unfold. One was particularly poignant.

A person w/ life-long addiction came to a head when they attempted to purchase heroin. The deal went bad, and the buyer was slashed with a knife. The cut was millimeters from a major artery. Sobered by the near death experience, they prayed for Jesus to take the desire to get high. A week later, with bandages still in place, they appeared in my office with family for a pre-treatment evaluation. "I'm healed. I haven't had any cravings at all.", they said, in part because they didn't see the need for treatment since the desire to use had abated. "Great!" we exclaimed in celebration about the miraculous cure Jesus had administered.

"Now" I argued, "Let's begin an aggressive course of treatment to help you to steward your miracle". My tact was appreciated by a long suffering family. "God has graced you with the absence of craving to get high again. Now, let's support that with education about all the ways you can steward this with time-tested principles and behaviors that will help to support enduring sobriety."

The end of this story is happy, so far. Indeed, it appears that a miracle was wrought in this person's life, AND the follow-up treatment to educate about ways to handle any temptations to relapse, as well as development of healthy personal habits and disciplines and growth in interpersonal communication and conflict resolutions skills has been the due diligence on the back end of the miracle that supports it.

Make sense?

Perhaps you feel like you need a miraculous break-through in an area of life that has long plagued and troubled you? Or you'd like to return to a level of functioning or fitness (not just physical, but also perhaps spiritual, mental, relational, etc.)?

My conversation with the Lord recently has been to confide desires in several areas (physical, spiritual, professional) that I don't think will happen until they begin with the provision of supernatural grace. "Lord, here are some miracles I'm willing to work for. Would you begin by initiating them with desire or removing desire, and then give me the grace, desire and strength to say yes and no to the habits and activities that will steward the miracle?"

What are miracles you'd be willing to work for? What is the eventuality that you want to realize, and backing up from that (its 5 months till June for me), what do you need to start or stop doing, and do more or less that will make your desire a reality?

I've dared to write out my list, and I'm praying over it every morning, working as if the attainment of these goals depends on me, and praying for God's miraculous grace as if it depends on Him!

God bless,

Jeff

Laid to Rest

We laid my father to rest yesterday. Finally, closure on a long and painful illness.

It's pretty surreal to carry your father to his final resting place. A gray casket draped by a flag from the University he loved (Wittenberg), after a long but fitting service that featured music by choirs he trained and conducted and solos by him that included "The Lord's Prayer" and "How Great Thou Art". It was impossible not to sob. Dad sang The Lord's Prayer at our Wedding, and yesterday's service concluded with all of us joining him in the chorus of all four stanzas of How Great Thou Art. How fitting to hear him sing, one last time, and to join in praise for the One he served and sang about his entire life.

I'm stunned by how hard this is. I was warned, but didn't get it until I was on this side of it. "Losing a parent is really hard" the survivors said. "Wow". I didn't know how hard.

Three weeks ago I spoke at "Hope for the Holidays" for the funeral home that served our family. Littleton and Rue (www.littletonandrue.com) holds an annual service for the families they've served. This years service was Nov. 19th. I shared that my father was in hospice. Nine days later I joined the ranks of the survivors I spoke to.

What's so hard about this? The finality, obviously. No more phone calls, visits, "I love you dad", "I love you and I'm proud of you, son". No more actual conversations and experiences, only memories.

I shared the following at the funeral.

"Did you ever know a man to fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run as fully as my father? His was a life dedicated to fulfilling the legacy of his namesake, John Wesley (John Wesley Williams) who exhorted all he influenced with the following, 'Do as much good as you can for as many as you can, as well as you can, as long as you can'. Many of you have been saying that JW was a great man. Part of what made him great was that he believed that each of us was born for greatness too, and he dedicated himself to exhorting us to fulfill our God appointed destinies even while he was fulfilling his, which included him calling us forward to our own unique greatness. On behalf of our entire family, I thank you for coming to honor and celebrate my father's life and to enjoy the fabulous music God made him to make, one last time." And then I read Psalm 100.

I'm glad the service was long; almost 90 minutes. But it wasn't long enough. As each part of the program was concluded it was clear that dad was going to stop singing, and there would be no more, at least not in this life. We have the recordings, and they are marvelous, but we'll have to wait for the beginning of our own adventure in eternity to see and enjoy him again.

It's helpful to write. And thank you for reading.

Sleep in Jesus, dad. i love you. Jeff

Surfing and Sobbing: Sudden Shifts in the Grieving Process

You've either lost a parent, or you probably will. But the loss might not have been death, but some other sudden and significant loss or change in life. Whatever or whomever you've lost, you're probably familiar with grief and its varied expressions and emotions.

My dad died on Nov. 28; one week ago tomorrow evening. And it's been hard; harder than I expected. Others who've lost parents warned of this, but I excepted myself. "Dad and I have had the conversations we needed to have; differences have been resolved and appreciations expressed. "It won't be a big deal when he graduates to his eternal adventure", I reasoned. But it has been a big deal. I've had many more deep feelings and much more disruption to life than i expected.

I've encouraged clients throughout my career to expect 'waves' of grief, and to lean into them when they arrive. "Let yourself go with your thoughts and feelings. Don't suppress the feelings, or distract yourself." It's not always pleasant, but the alternative is to stuff and avoid feelings, medicate them with some type of distraction or mood altering experience or substance, etc. In other words, unhealthy alternatives even if they do temporarily relieve distress.

Friends and clients have said that my comparison of ocean waves to waves of grief has been helpful. Imagine sitting in the surf with your back to the ocean. Is this a game you've played? I do every time I get the chance to be at the beach. Waves come in one after the other. In between there are peaceful lapses, but then another comes. Some are gentle, but some are strong. Once in awhile big ones surprise you and even come up and over you. Grief is like this. Waves of emotion come in one after another. Some are gentle and some are strong. The healthy thing to to is to let yourself go with the waves of grief when they come. Think the thoughts and feel the feelings. I know, it hurts. Burning eyes, lump in the throat. But there's one way through grief, and its through it.

The pain will eventually subside. Time does heal. The waves may come in pretty strong from time to time, triggered by different thoughts, sites and sounds. But if you allow yourself to go through the process not only will you will be cooperating with God's plan for the process; to fully absorb and integrate the magnitude of your loss into your life, and thereby be prepared to live on.

With love, from one mourner to another

(I began this on Dec. 5, but didn't have the heart to finish it until today, Dec.11)