Good Grief and Misc. update

Three months is a long time to be absent from a blog! Sorry...

July was the trip to India. Click here if you missed the blog.

August was recovery from the trip. September was...??? (what was September? Where does time go?) And now we're nearly 1/3 of the way through October? Hmmmmmm....

We are finishing our book, "How to Coach Your Marriage: Skills to Heal, Strengthen and Protect Your Relationship", developing our recently approved not for profit organization Great Relationships, Inc., managing a counseling case-load, planning and praying for a Church leadership retreat, a series of suicide prevention for the US Air Force, and preparing for a combo trip to California during which we will cultivate relationships and share a Marriage Coaching taste and see with trained coaches and couples passionate about marriage ministry. THEN we will relax as a couple for 4 days by the ocean to commemorate our 25th Anniversary (12.25.85)!

And now for the grieving.

Tears began to flow in earnest this past Thursday upon receiving a call from my step-mother that dad had been hospitalized and that his Dr. had advised calling family. So, after adjusting our schedule, Jill and I embarked on a 600 mile journey to NE Iowa. Eleven hours later we fed dad supper, then adjusted his bed, lighting and curtains for his evening nap.

It really stinks to see this once robustly healthy man bed-ridden, and plagued with unrelenting pain. Never again will he tour a golf course, mow the lawn or even see his home. Disease is having its way and it appears that he soon he will transition from time and space to eternity.

We're all grieving (I feel some sting and burning in my red eyes as I type), and we're all reminiscing. Grieving is unavoidable and it stinks! (and its a blessing!) Just below is a note I wrote to our personal prayer partners

"Thank you for allowing us to continue to communicate with you by email. As you know, grief is hard, but to live well we must grieve well, and that means going with the thoughts and feelings provoked by loss and change as they come…and come they do, relentlessly, just like ocean waves.

Dad hasn’t made his transition to heaven yet, but after an opportunity to speak with his Dr. at length it seems that it won’t be long. He has chronic, severe and irresolvable pain in his back, shoulders and hip. As the Dr. said, the parts are worn out. Therein lays the problem. Resolution of pain could come from surgery, but he isn’t strong enough and well enough for that. Even if he was, recovery from hip surgery would be prohibited by non-functioning shoulders. And on it goes.

As Susan says, “Faith makes the difference.” We grieve, but not as ones without hope.

Ironically, a golf course is beside the hospital. After talking with the Dr., Jill and I said goodbye to dad (Susan and her mom took our place), and took a walk on the golf course. Some of you know the significance of that. Golf was special to dad and me. He taught me to play at a young age, and it was a sanctuary where we could meet peacefully to enjoy the game and each other through the difficult years following his and mom’s divorce. Dad in the hospital dying, and Jill and I walking down a fairway that can be seen from his window….it was a beautiful day, and a flood of memories and tears ensued. I kept thinking that the final thing I want to say to dad is, “Wait for me on the first tee.” There’s got to be a golf course in heaven."

Thanks for reading, and thanks for your love and support.

The Raw journey continues as do the Raw Reflections from the Journey.

Love and blessings, Jeff

Sent...and supported!

During the ramp up of the Clark Co. Ohio community marriage initiative in from late summer 2003 throughout 2004 (until the culmination of the project in a public signing of a covenant by clergy) staff and pastors convened on Wednesday mornings to pray. It was clear to us (Jill and I) that more and better for marriage in our community would come against spiritual strongholds that would not fall or be pushed back except by the power of prayer.

Every 7am prayer meeting began with worship. I put a CD w/ a mix in the computer and selected shuffle. And every session, the computer selected "He Reigns" as part of the sequence of songs for the morning. If you aren't familiar, the Newsboys lyrics basically indicate that the Gospel is for every culture and every nation in the world. We raised our eyebrows in surprise as it became suspicious that the Holy Spirit was mixing the songs with purpose; that He was calling our attention to something bigger than an initiative for just this community.

As the plot unfolded, and Marriage Savers Clark County morphed into Marriage Resource Center of the Miami Valley under the superb leadership of Lavern and Ronda Nissley and staff the Lord's direction became a bit more clear. Jill and I were led to Maryland to share what we'd learned with others, Lavern was tapped for wisdom from directors around the country, David and Teresa Mabry served and learned for a time before taking a church in Columbus where they share what they learned in Springfield, and on it goes...God's way of disseminating life-giving and marriage-saving information and skills.

This summer, eight years after saying yes to more and better for Clark County marriage and family, friends in S. Asia have invited us to visit them, and to share some things we've learned, and friend's here are supporting the venture.

Last Saturday evening a gathering of these precious friends enjoyed curry chicken, apple/mango chutney, naan bread, basmati rice and Texas sheet cake (which one doesn't belong?) made with love, from scratch. And then they prayed...over every aspect of this trip. Here's a bit of one participant's review:

After visiting on the deck there was a prayer time...all gathering around Jeff and Jill...putting hands on them and blessing their visit to friends in India...I've never experienced anything like it...the praying was so simple and plain and covered all things that they may encounter...

That was a humbling, and very encouraging experience! Just as humbling is the $ support that has been voluntarily contributed for this trip. It just keeps coming! Ultimately it is an expression of love for those with whom we will share our lives in a few short weeks for a duration of three weeks! To go with purpose, loved, befriended and supported has been an awesome faith-building experience, and we're sure there is more to come.

Less than a decade ago we barely dreamed of the possibility of such an adventure. All we knew is that we said 'yes' to a persistent request from God to participate in development of more and better for marriages in this community. But we should have been suspicious, I suppose. After all, He is the God of all creation, and His children are scattered everywhere!

What is He asking from you? And what have you said? Or what will you say? The choice is to play it safe and say no, or to dare to say yes and see where it leads. Each of us have opportunity now to participate in God's plan and purposes. Whether we say yes or no, He'll get it done. The question is whether or not we will be among those who enjoy the adventure and thrill of imparting Him and His ways to others, or whether we'll be observers to cheer for others.

But while overseas is adventurous and romantic, the opportunities are here, on our path every day. What is it that He has been speaking to you about, or what have you been invited to do that you are considering? How will you decide if it of Him? Is it something you are passionate about? Have you been prepared for it in some way?

Thanks for reading, and God bless,

Jeff

Reliability Ratings

How do you make decisions about who to share your heart with?

I used to be more of a daring optimist when it comes to openly and transparently sharing my heart with others. Why? Well, after hearing a compelling presentation about levels of transparency* and the effect of transparency on relationships (it expedites the development of authentic relationships), I decided that more good things were possible from taking the risk to be real in comparison to being closed.

My verdict after a decade of this practice is this: It works, and it costs.

And now I have a problem that I'm hoping one of you might help me to solve (via testimony or encouragement through a comment). I'm finding myself guarded about what I share, especially with people who have low reliability ratings. What I mean is this: If a person tells me that they are going to do something, and then don't do it, I find myself shrinking from opportunities to share with them.

Now, is this just good sense, and consistent with Biblical teaching about throwing pearls before swine (I know the language sounds harsh, and that there are a few ways to understand that passage). Is reliability a quality of "Safe People", and is my reaction one that is healthy because it is reasonably self-protective? Or have I lost something, and have I become a casualty (at least temporarily) in a saga for healthy, meaningful and potent relationships? Maybe just a run of bad luck in terms of reliable people?

No, the world isn't black or white. My life is rich with people who do what they say they're going to do. AND, I'm NOT saying that my reliability rating is 100%. I know I've vowed to do things and not done them. If you're reading this and you think, "Hey, Jeff promised something to me and he hasn't done it" please bring that to my attention. I'd like to make it right. Shame on me if I'm living in a glass house and throwing stones.

There, I feel better, but I hope you hear me as I intend. I'm not trying to rant, but rather I'm trying to confess a struggle, check reality...and well...to be transparent. How ironic!

blessings, Jeff

*Three levels of transparency
- Level I - I will never share what is real with you
- Level II - I'll share if you share, but you go first!
- Level III - I will share openly about my honest thoughts, feelings and struggles so that God's work in my life can be seen...regardless of what you do.

Birthday Reflections: The First Day of the Rest of My LIfe

Today is my birthday which is as good of reason as any to wax philosophical. I know, I know...I don't really need an excuse do I? Well, if you will indulge me, I'm going to honor my stream of consciousness...I really need to process some things. Birthdays alone prompt me to reflect on how I'm living, but there is more. This one converged with a visit to my father who is currently living in a nursing home. Jill, Laura and I got back late last after visiting him for the past three days in Minnesota.

It was dad who introduced me to the magnificence of today, and every day we are blessed to live, "What is today, son?", he would ask afresh, as if he'd never asked before. "The first day of the rest of my life", I learned to reply. I really didn't get it when young, but as the reality of middle-age has set in (I'm 46 today), and as I watch parents struggle with maladies of aging, it means more and more. No doubt our days are numbered.

As I carried the last load of luggage from the car last night I paused to look at the stars which were exceptionally bright in a cold and dark sky. "I wonder the number of times I'll get to see these on a night like this before eternity?" Please don't misunderstand this as morbid preoccupation with death, but rather the opposite; appreciation for life and the magnificence of it.

For me there was nothing quite like seeing my hobbled father, a physical shadow of a once exceptionally strong, passionate leader to bring home the reality of limited days of life...and to move me to serious reflection About how I'm stewarding it: What do I think about? What do I do? And how do I do it? The bottom line question: How well am I living my life per the calling I have received?

One of the benefits of aging is awareness of the limits of time and energy. And a birthday is as good of a time as any to hit the reset button for a fresh start. What am I compelled to start doing, stop doing, do more of and less of?

- More fun with friends and loved ones
- More time in prayer, on walks and in love with Jill
- More free time away from my laptop and blackberry

- Less fretting about provisions
- Less anxiety about patients getting well

- Start taking dedicated periods of time away from the office and home office (days and partial days OFF)
- Start every day with quiet time, reading and reflection

One practical action-step Jill and I have already taken was to adjust our schedule for more balance and variety. Still the the reality is that a significant internal adjustment is required to make the most of that structure, and no one gets it better for me than Phillips, Craig & Dean in the song, Let God be God. Check out the lyrics...I find them humbling and reassuring:

You said “Lights ON”
And a blinding sea of stars began to shine
You said “Birds SING!”
And a million melodies filled up the sky
You said "this world,
Spinning through a crowded Milky Way"
Well the sun comes up
And the sun goes down
And God doesn’t seem to need my help
But the One who holds the sea in place
Is watching out for every step I take

I think I’ll let God be God, I’m giving up control
Think I’ll relax, step back
It’s time for letting go
If you kept the universe in sync
A million years or so
Since the Keeper of creation knows
I think I’ll let God be God

You clapped your hands
The thunder rose and lightning filled the sky
You bring new life
A tiny newborn baby starts to cry
The tide rolls in and it rolls back out
And never has God needed me to help
The One who sees the sparrow fall
Knows what I need before I even call

I think I’ll let God be God, I’m giving up control
Think I’ll relax, step back
It’s time for letting go
If you kept the universe in sync
A million years or so
Since the Keeper of creation knows
I think I’ll let God be God

Yeah, nothing takes You by surprise
Never late, always on time
The One who holds the sea in place
Is watching out for every step I take

No Rose Garden (but plenty of water for the flowers...in the basement)

April (March) showers bring May flowers...

Well, there's been plenty of water, but no flowers in our basement...as of yet.

This past Saturday morning had a leisurely beginning...barista Jeff had created his and her cappuccinos, we'd taken a walk (during which we noticed which houses were perched above the flood waters and which ones weren't). "I'm glad our sump pump is working well", I thought to myself. Little did we know.

At home, after our walk we'd begun to consider how to invest the open day when Laura sprung from the basement to announce, "There's a flood!"

Oh no! The sump pump had taken a nap, and 4-6 inches of spring rains were rippling across every square inch of the basement...groan. Spontaneous healing of the pump helped the waters to recede, but the damage was done; carpet and padding, soaked wooden furniture legs, and thousands of papers, journals, pictures...oh well, we did say we wanted to lighten our load the next time we move.

"These light and momentary troubles..."

Tim and Bridget (our landlords) were great as usual; kind, compassionate and responsive. Within minutes they'd made insurance calls (I made ours with my feet still covered in water..a true SOS call from the basement), and arranged a professional group to clean and restore. Thus began a parade of water workers. By phone and email we celebrated mutual grace and compassion; "Life happens...why get our knickers all knotted up?"

By Sunday afternoon it was getting old. Adrenaline of a new challenge had worn away, and now came the inconvenience, work, smells and the realization that house guests due w/in the week would have to be placed in places that we hadn't planned to place them...but we'll be together (Carly and Gabby, Jocelyn and Bella). Being together and staying together through life's valleys is what it's all about anyhow, right?

Jill and I shared an emotional jug last night (no, not homemade moonshine to allay our anxieties), but rather a talking exercise designed to help us identify and express honest feelings. It's cathartic and builds closeness. After working through mad, sad and scared feelings we got to glad. "What are you glad about?"

"I'm glad that we've learned in life challenges to turn to Jesus", I said. "His words are comforting", I thought. "Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest", and "In this world you will have many troubles, but take heart. I have overcome the world."

Light and momentary troubles...that are achieving a victory in us that overcomes the world. yep. I'm glad for unexpected challenges...even if they are a bit wet!

To Have and To Hold

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother
and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. ~ Genesis 2:24 (NIV)

I was almost too nervous and too emotional to say my vows, let alone really understand their meaning. I just wanted to make it through the ceremony.

As Jill was escorted down the aisle by her father, my knees quivered. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I realized she was making me her one and only, forever. I was so humbled and overwhelmed. And, I suppose I was scared, or at least I should have been scared about holding her in love, the rest of our lives.

To have a wife is a gift. To hold her is a responsibility that is fulfilled only by selfless love. That’s something I’m still learning.

Privilege comes with responsibility. I get to have her and I must hold her. While I have exclusive rights to emotional and physical intimacy with my wife, I also have responsibility to love and to provide for her. Maybe this was another reason my knees were shaking – my subconscious knew that I was getting in over my head.

Jill often shares with couples that she and I have grown up together. We’ve been learning love for a long time. I feel sad when I contrast my bride’s happy and hopeful expression at our wedding with images of her tear-stained face when I’ve hurt her. If there was anything I vowed not to do when we married, it was to not cause pain. But I have. Being human, it’s impossible not to. I find that sad.

Life outside the Garden of Eden is tough. Pain is inevitable. It’s a clear consequence of sin. Sadly, in relationships, we hurt each other by what we say and don’t say, and by what we do and don’t do. Our best intentions sometimes go unnoticed and sometimes they are misinterpreted. Sometimes we don’t cooperate with our partner’s right to have us or to hold us. And sometimes we make it hard for them.

Recently we coached a couple by phone. She was full of pain, anger and frustration. We facilitated her sharing lots of angry, sad and scared feelings. He admitted that he had to clench his teeth and bite his tongue to keep from rebutting with his own thoughts and feelings. After she was done, he described that she was holding him, but that he wanted to pull away. She felt held by him hearing her heart and wanted to be close, despite having been hurt. He was struggling with anger about some things she said, and confusion about how she could want to be close to him. I think that’s a good picture, a realistic picture of what it’s like and what it takes to hold on to our vows in marriage; to hold on through hurt.

The pastor who officiated our wedding could have commented on our vows. It wouldn’t have been romantic, but it would have been realistic. “That’s right, Jeff and Jill, to have and to hold. You’ll have to hold on through the rough times and hold on through hurt. The happiness of this moment and the newness of your marriage will wear off at some point. Reality will set in and you’ll probably have a fight. Feelings will be hurt and your vows will be tested. When those times come, it will be important to hold on through the hurt.”

Are you hurt? How are you holding your partner? How are you holding on?

Prayer
Lord, you are one who holds on through the hurt. As you hold us, we can hold each other. Thank you for your stubborn love. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Why Boundaries? To Protect Your Purpose

Boundaries sometimes get a bad rap. Some people don't understand or like when you say no, or when you live by a calendar. Saying "no" or "not now" is taken as personal rejection, "You don't like me or value me enough to spend time with me." But that's not always the case.

Some of the most Kingdom successful and productive people I know set and defend firm boundaries to protect time and energy. They know what their life is to be about, and therefore say no much more often than they say yes. They live by the maxim Gordon MacDonald made famous in Ordering Your Private World "If you don't schedule your time, others will be glad to schedule it for you."

What got me thinking about this? Two things: 1. Clarification of boundaries between professional time and personal time with a friend who also employs me as a Leadership Coach for his business, and 2. Desire and determination to finish a book to teach as many couples as possible how to coach their own marriage.

First, the former. Do you know why some counselors avoid telling people on seatmates on airplanes what they do for a living? Because we will inevitably be told about their problems as if they are doing us a favor by giving us an opportunity to work a little bit more. No thanks. Believe it or not, asking, listening, conceptualizing, diagnosing and treatment planning are energy intensive, and those services deserve to be compensated. But, I'll admit that when led by the Holy Spirit to answer directly about what I do, I will be truthful. The rest of the time I say, "I work in healthcare." All but the persistent and insensitive passengers get the point, "He doesn't want to talk." Not the best 24/7 witness, I know, but this blog is Raw Reflections so I'm trying to keep it real. When it comes to friendship, I want to relax in reciprocal relationship and not be "on duty" to access my psychological or Leadership Coaching database of experience to perform these professional functions.

The second reason I've been thinking about and identifying and setting boundaries was the impetus for this blog entry; protecting time and energy needed to fulfill some of my life purpose through a portion of Jill and my mission: To inspire and equip as many Christian Marriages as possible to have a pleasurable, hopeful and purposeful marriage for the Kingdom of God and to help them to help others to have the same. One means of doing this is in writing, and we've had a book "in the works" for way too long. It bothers me every day that it isn't yet in the hands of couples who don't know what they don't know about essential skills and attitudes they need to heal, strengthen and protect their marriage and to help other couples do the same.

The point? Since we live in time and space, there are a finite number of hours in a day that we can be productive; yea, a finite number of hours left to live this life, and to fulfill our God-given purpose before we hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant!"

So, boundaries are good, not bad. They protect people and purpose. They define how much of us we give to others, and when we give that. Since time and energy are in limited supply each day, stewardship demands that I judiciously parcel these out to the people and purposes that God puts on my path. So, if you hear me say "no", or "not now", it doesn't necessarily mean that I don't care about you, or that I don't value an endeavor in which you are involved. It means that I'm continuing to do my best to do my best with the purposes that God designed me to fulfill, and the people He's given me to love and care for.

Hmmm. Back to work!

Blessings, Jeff