Raw Reflections from the Journey

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

A Lion Learning to Live Loved

Six more months and we will have been married for twenty-five years!

But just like a soldier still in-country, even though they have a departure date for home; a safe outcome isn't guaranteed.

These were among my thoughts as I watched my wife suffer with pain and fever over the past week. "What's happening? Is she dying? THERE HAS TO BE A SOLUTION!"

I'm a LION, CHOLERIC, DRIVER...An Aggressive Problem-Solver in short. For such as me it is extremely difficult to watch, wait and pray. We want to DO! But waiting on Him and praying is the doing that gets things done in His Kingdom.

Living loved, meaning trust that there is ONE who loves me more than I can imagine, and has my best in mind in all things is a challenge, particularly because I learned to care for myself from an early age; not that I wasn't cared for, but enter divorce into a child's life, and inevitably there is a question about how their needs will be met...add to that either the physical or emotional absence of either parent, and you have the recipe for the child to make the decision that they'd better learn to anticipate needs and get real good at caring for ole' #1, SELF.

While such may be adaptive thinking and behavior under duress, it can cause problems in relationship with God and others later on.

But back to the point. The learning curve for self-willed, determined, aggressive problem-solvers such as I is steep because it is a path fraught with gauntlets divinely placed to exorcise self out of self so that there is room for trust in God; one who cares more for my SELF than myself. Does this make sense?

Here's how this translates in practical terms:

This week I watched my wife begin to become overcome with infection that eventually required emergency hospitalization to provide infusion of strong antibiotics. The Lion in me wanted to take charge to make things better. The loved Lion realized that God loves her even more than I do, and that He was on the job as her Healer, and that I would do best for Jill by cooperating with His plan and timing of intervention for her healing. The bottom line is that this required asking and listening to God as the treatment director rather than simply consulting myself. Where this gets complicated is in Him working through my/our temperaments to effect His will. So, I get an idea of something to do...is that me or Him. Only asking Him and learning to hear and feel His peace tells the difference.

While I definitely believe that He cares about outcome, I also believe that as important and precious to Him is our dependence, reliance and ongoing dialogue.

So, my conclusion for now is that living as a loved lion is to trust, wait on and submit to THE LION of Judah, one who has good for me and and wants to do good through me.

If He exalts me, in ways that most of humanity considers exalted (fortune and fame), I will praise Him, and if He slays me or ordains what most of humanity considers tragic, I will praise Him. I will praise Him in all things, and seek to hear Him, know Him and enjoy Him as I trust that He is working everything together for good. Amen?