Relationships – Are They Worth It?

Several years ago, I spoke to a “Single Parents Raising Kids” group. The experience broke my heart because it stimulated a trip down memory lane. After my parents divorced I was raised by a single parent. Tears formed easily as I listened to stories about past and present circumstances. So much pain.

Single-parenting isn't easy. A major part of the challenge is previously broken or currently breaking relationships. Ex-spouses, step-parents, visitation, legal issues.

Relationships. You can’t live with them, and you can’t live without them. Lots of people feel this way. At times, I feel this way.

The final bullet point on the group handouts provoked discussion.

“Relationships: Are they worth it?”

I usually utter some form of that question when disappointed, rejected, forgotten or betrayed. Soon thereafter, the temptation to live as an island (preferably ON an island) begins. But isolation is not an option. Is it?

The Christian can answer simply, “Relationships have to be worth it because Jesus Christ came to earth and lived among us, as one of us, for this very reason.” His purpose was to reconcile a broken relationship between humankind and God; and it was a purpose He accomplished by paying the highest price. 

Consider what Jesus experienced in His relationships — scorn, abuse, misunderstanding, and betrayal to name a few. And still, He died willingly? Even for the scoundrels? Even for me? Yes.

Peter denied Christ three times. The rooster crows, Jesus looks at Peter and he spontaneously wails with grief. Peter betrayed and abandoned his Friend. And Peter, the determined, passionate, and zealous one failed to keep his vow.

After His resurrection, Jesus reinstated His repentant friend and issued this challenge, “Peter, do you love me?” “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you,” Peter replied. “Feed my sheep,” Jesus said.  (John 21:15, my paraphrase)

People. It’s all about people. “Feed my sheep,” “Take care of my sheep.”

Jesus didn't give up on people. So, if I claim to follow Him and walk like Him, neither can I. It’s not easy, but abandoning people is not an option. He didn't just think relationships were worth it He lived like they were. If Jesus can do that, I can do that. I need to do that. I must do that.

What Jesus did, I can do . . .

  

Prayer

Lord, You didn't say relationships would be easy. They aren't  Thanks for doing what was right, though, and not what was easy. What You did, we can do. Thanks for counting us worth it, then for asking us to follow You. Please help us to pass that on by persisting in the relationships on our path. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

A Letter to Lance

Dear Lance,

Your public confession was a good start.  Now, just as you mastered the art of persevering through the multiple and varied stages of a Grand Tour, will you finish what you've begun?

You called your behavior scary, your thinking sick, and admitted that you've bullied many . . . all out of a driven ruthlessness to "win".  This may be the most difficult race of your life, and as you've said before, it's not about the bike but rather your legacy as a man, a father and friend. The word 'ruthless' connotes harm to others.  I hope you will be tenacious rather than ruthless on this journey.

Recovery from a position such as yours is not without precedent.  Christian Church history tells the tale of a man named Saul who pursued and condoned the death of many.  But eventually he did an about face and became one of the foremost champions and promoters of the very faith he persecuted.  Years of exile followed his alleged conversion because few trusted him. He'd harmed far too many too badly.  But eventually he won not only a clear conscience, but also the love and trust of those who'd previously despised him.

Only three paragraphs in and I got religious on you.  Sorry.  You say you don't like that.  Perhaps you have allergies to religion for good reasons?  Many do.  But could I urge you to reconsider; to try to get to know Jesus as He really is and not who you think He is or who others have misrepresented Him to be?  Some transparent and broken men have written a great book to make such an introduction to Him, and to provide a practical guide for the grueling journey of life.  I hope you will peruse it: The Cure.

Lance, your dominance in the Tour de France was remarkable.  Doping aside, you were a master strategist who understood the race, and the tactics it took to prevail.  Now, embarked on a very difficult journey, please pursue the only world religion with the answers you need, because it is the only religion with answers of forgiveness and freedom from guilt.  If you want more, search for what Billy Graham has said on this subject, or better yet, hear from the man himself.  He is still among us.  Presidents since Nixon have sought him for good reason.

Many are guessing and judging your motives for these interviews.  Only you and perhaps your legal team knows the true motives.  But for my money (and perhaps she has begun to get your attention), Kristin has it right in her advice, "The truth will set you free".  That applies to much more than confession.  It also refers to what many believe to be absolute truths that you can bet your life on.

The tears in your eyes as you talked about your children, especially your conversation with Luke, "Don't defend me anymore, Luke" was heartbreaking.  Please do this process well, Lance.  Perhaps you've come off the pedestal in your little boy's eyes, but you can get up there again by getting on your knees in humility.  I hope you're serious about spending the rest of your life apologizing, asking forgiveness, and making amends to those you've harmed.

Lance, I would love to do some therapy with you, and/or serve as a spiritual mentor/director.  Why?  Because the essence of your diagnosis in my mind is megalomania, and that's something I know about from personal experience.  It's an awful sounding word, but it gets the gist of what you've been about, and what many of us have been about when we put ourselves at the center of our own lives, and justified any means necessary to get what we want.

Humility to confess is a beginning, but this is one saga that your strength and tenacity won't win alone.  You need help from beyond yourself.  Some of that help may come in human form, but some will necessarily be Divine.

Do I forgive you?  I have to, for myself, because unforgiveness is one of two things that the human soul can't bear (the other is guilt).  And that's where forgiveness begins, as a decision to not hold something against another or to try to exact 'justice'.  It's not my place.  Plus, those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Can you and will you forgive yourself?  And will you truly come to the end of yourself so that you can come to the beginning of God?  I would offer that as your only true hope to "win" this race the rest of your life.

You're a strong man, Lance.  And that's a liability when it comes to the humility necessary to live a life of remorse and restitution.  Again, it takes one to know one.

If you really do this in a sincere and deep way it will likely be one hard stage after another.  But as you said in "It's Not About the Bike", your life is about one long hard climb.  Well, you were prophetic, because you've put yourself in quite a hole.  But don't believe for a second that you can't climb out.  Just don't try to do it alone.

Please do this right!  While the world revealed its hunger for a hero by following your 'miraculous' comeback from cancer, and amazing athletic domination, what the world really needs from you now is genuine testimony of the power of grace and a humble story of redemption!

God bless, and Carpe diem!

How to Work Well with our Worries

Did you like the last post?   I just couldn't resist the prank!  For those of you that missed it, the title suggested something curious, "The Value of Worry" and then left the body of the blog empty.  A couple of people responded.  "Jeff, there wasn't anything there."  Exactly.

But, to be intellectually honest, I must point out that research says there is some value to anxiety.  The Yerkes-Dodson law in psychology says that moderate amounts of anxiety bode well for performance.  A bit of nervousness before a test, public presentation, athletic performance, etc. moves us to try and to pay attention.  Absent anxiety we might take a lackadaisical approach.  And too much anxiety can be disabling.

What got me thinking about this was the blessing of seeing some black numbers in our business, personal and non-profit account at the end of the year.  That led to the challenge of making some year end purchases and allocations (either give to ourselves via IRA investment or give to Uncle Sam).  That led to reduction in the business account balance, which led to  . . . WORRY!  How are we going to build that back up for first quarter taxes, and other budget commitments?  Are you following?

The sad thing is that I know better.  We have a long decade of trusting God for provisions behind us.  Still, anxiety surfaced.  Thankfully, it wasn't disabling . . . but rather just enough to move me to something productive.  More about that in a moment.

Back to 'worry' for a minute.  I hate the word.  I hate to say it and I hate to hear it because it comes with unpleasant feelings.  When I worry I feel anxious, scared and yucky.  And when others worry I get frustrated because that time is being wasted.  Let's get to a solution!  My problem-solving muscles kick in and I want to advise action or take action to "do something about it".

But sometimes there isn't something to do.  Or is there?

How many of us invite Jesus to conversations about worries.  "Lord, I'm worried about _____.  What would you have me know about that? What is your perspective? Is there something you would have me to do?"

Waves of hope were followed by troughs of worry and disappointment as we surfed a complicated deal to sell our home in Maryland this past fall.  Close the deal before the end of the year and avoid a significant tax assessment.  Close in 2013 and we'd had to come up with a significant number.  Upon confiding my "worry" to a friend he prayed for me to faith for provision either way.  God didn't show the answer.  He didn't assure me about the solution, but He did calm my spirit by reminding that He saw the situation, had it in hand, and would be with me/us through the duration.  Sounds a lot like His voice, "In this world you will have much trouble, but take heart for I have overcome it."  Notice that He didn't reveal what He was going to do.  Rather, He provided Himself and reassurance that He had it in hand.

Thus, I conclude that while wallowing in worry is wholly unproductive, that a little bit is good so long as it moves me to "cast my anxieties on Him who cares for me".  The result is a reminder that my Provider is present.

(Note: The house closed December 19, which was eight years to the day of the first time I walked through it to approve the purchase contract.  And we were thankful that it didn't close until we'd relearned the lesson that there is no value in worry other than to move us to dependent listening prayer. That strengthened our relationship with our Provider and Friend who consoled and soothed us with His presence throughout.)

Does God always solve things the way we'd like Him to? No.  Does He remain present no matter what?  Yes.  "Do not be afraid or discouraged, for I am with you, wherever you go."

Pressing on,

Jeff

The Value of Worry

The Heartaches of An Officer

"Why are we here, Lord?"

"Because I've commissioned you as officers for this War."

The setting was a rain soaked setting on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. in the fall of 2004.  Just after the sun peaked through receding storm clouds our attention was drawn to a beautiful view of the U.S. Capitol.  It was then that I asked the question that our Divine Commander in Chief answered.

Raised in the Midwest, it was surreal to be in our Nation's Capitol, and even more surreal to consider that we would soon be living there to serve an Executive role in a national marriage ministry designed to save marriages.  So, there we were, becoming acclimated and trying to make sense of our journey on a runaway train piloted by The God-Man.

"Lord, why are we here?"  

His Answer: "Because I want you to lead in this campaign."

Seriously?

It would have been appropriate if He'd also repeated what He said to Saul.  "Now I will show you how much you must suffer for my name."

At the outset it was exhilarating and intoxicating.  Moving to Washington to Lead!  Little did we know the price to be paid that we would be prepared from the inside out to lead as servants, in humility.

Have you seen the before and after pictures of soldiers fresh from boot camp compared to veterans returned from combat?  The experience ages them, breaks them, sobers them.  To lead and to serve is a privilege, yes.  And it costs.

One of the heartaches of an Officer is to watch troops fall.  Warriors with full lives ahead of them, full of potential and promise taken out by the enemy.  Tragic, demoralizing, senseless.

It happened again today, and I need to process it.

A couple full of potential and promise.  Their recent interactions never better.  "Doing really well! Hopeful for the future!"  A couple we hoped could join us as officers to lead and inspire others.

But the enemy saw them too.  He saw that they were doing well, and He counter attacked with fresh and ingenious strategy to destroy them.  And they complied.

"I'm done, Jeff.  It's over."

DAMN!!!

Yep.  I swore.  So infuriating! So needless!  So sad . . .

Damn the one who is behind this.  Our enemy is defeated, he won another round . . . neutralized another couple . .  . ended their service as officers before they got started.

It doesn't have to be this way.  Dear God!  It doesn't have to be this way!  There's a better way . . a way to resist the devil . . a way to flee temptation . . . a way to repair from brokenness.  Dear God.  Please stop the carnage.

Tragically, they're not the first we've served that became casualties.  There have been many more.  Way too many more.

Part of training and leading troops is to watch some of them become casualties.  Promise and potential suddenly ended, but every time hurts as much as any other.  

Dear God, please resurrect the marriages that appear to be dead.  Only you can resurrect the dead. Only you can miraculously heal.  And Lord, please help us to persist, with hope, even when . . . especially as we're grieving the loss of those we loved.  In your name, Jesus; and for your sake.  Amen.

Let Jesus Lead (He does a really good job!)

The first Marriage Miracles conference was held yesterday!  Praise and worship, testimonies from couples who have received miracles, teaching and prayer. . . It was an experience that staff and participants won't soon forget. Why? Because the team of 16 let Jesus lead (and discovered that He's really good at it!)

Twelve took the mic to make contributions, and four served behind the scenes, but all were submitted to the Holy Spirit, which resulted in a peaceful and powerful choreography of praise and worship, testimony, teaching and exhortation.

His Spirit of Hope and Peace was strong!   "Peace, be still" was a word that was shared, "The Holy Spirit, like a translucent dove is descending on the waters, and stirring it in a way that will bring good.  And the ripples in the water are to be understood as good, not ones that will harm or overcome."

The morning began with some final instructions from the Initiator (the conference was birthed in listening prayer, so we kept listening and following His lead throughout).

• Point to me
• Flow with my Spirit
• Celebrate Grace

During the first few quiet/private moments of reflection after the conference I replayed some conversations in which staff said "Good job!" or "Thank you for the opportunity to share our testimony, lead worship (etc.)", and I saw Jesus in my mind, quietly smiling, waiting for me/us to turn to Him.  "Thank you Jesus.  You did a really good job today."  And in response He said, "And all of you did a really good job following my lead."

It really was the Body of Christ at its best.  The Maestro assembled an A Team to usher us into the presence of God and to bear witness to the marvels He has done to heal restore and multiply hope inspiring ministry through couples He has saved from a myriad of sin and pain.  Sexual immorality and addiction, co-dependent control, withering anger and blame, overwhelming sorrow and bitterness about a child being severely assaulted, etc.   What a joy to hear the conclusion from all, "What He did for us, He can do for you."

On a personal note, it was a joy for Jill and me to minister publicly in our home town, the first time since 2004.  It was then that He used us to spark a marriage initiative, but ever since, the bulk of our ministry has been in other places (we  lived in Maryland 2005-10).  And what a joy to partner with folks we've served with before (Lavern and Ronda Nissley, Marriage Resource Center of Miami Valley,  Barb Dotson, Citi Lookout).  

Will we do a Marriage Miracles conference again?  And it so, when and where?  Back to listening prayer.  And if this intrigues you and God puts marriages in your locale on your heart, please pray and listen.  As we do the same, perhaps He'll have us partner together for others.

Father, we thank you for using us to plant and water some seeds of hope for couples in need yesterday.  Now, we trust them to you, because it is you who makes them grow!  ( I Corinthians 3).

Hopefully, Jeff and Jill 

"He Always Had Time" - A Tribute to Pastor John A. Wilson

"He always had time" was my father in laws complimentary conclusion from a memory about John A. Wilson, 100 years old this week, pastor in Springfield Ohio since 1944.  Even though he's mostly bedridden, patiently waiting to see God ("I don't know if I'll say anything to Him, but I'll certainly worship Him"), he really hasn't retired.  Just ask the thousands to whom he ministered through a taped interview shown to them during one of four services at First Christian Church yesterday.

My in-laws didn't even attend Mr. Wilson's church, BUT they considered him one of their most beloved pastors.  How'd that happen?  Mr. Wilson was my pastor growing up.  When Jill and I began to date, my in-laws attended some services, and Mr. Wilson remembered them.  When illness befell my mother in-law, Mr. Wilson went a calling.  "One day I looked out from Betty's room, and there he goes", said Jack.  "I called to him and in he came, with plenty of time to listen, encourage and to pray.  He always had time."

Calling was the ministry that Mr. Wilson really loved, and for good reason; it resulted in effective introductions to his best friend.  "You'll never reach everyone for Christ by waiting for them to come to you at your church building.  You've got to get out into their homes (hospitals, etc.)."  If you are a Springfield resident, you've no doubt seen Mr. Wilson in your home, a hospital, funeral home or racing down Limestone St. Burnett  or Home Road, anxious to get to his next appointment.  It's amazing how many lives this one passionate and focused servant of Jesus Christ touched.  Are you one of the ones he visited?

It was Christmas Eve 1992 when we took our three children, cookies and some Christmas Caroles to see John and Jane. Our purpose was to "bless" but of course, it was we who were blessed as they generously asked and listened to happenings in our lives. Our time together concluded in a tight circle with prayer, "Let me pray for you" the preacher insisted.  Talk about a man who has frequent conversations with the Almighty.  You've got to get ahold of his book of prayers! 

But the most memorable part of that evening was when we stopped by our in-laws.  "Carly, what did you do this evening" her grandma asked.  "We went to see Jesus, Grandma."  "You went to a manger?" "No Grandma, we went to see Jesus; the little man with the purple hair." Our jaws dropped and eyes went wide.  Who did Carly see? Was this 'little man' so Christlike that a child was able to recognize him?  Our conclusion was that, yes, he not only walked in the footsteps of Jesus, but he also walked like Him, and even a little child could recognize that.

Mr. Wilson provided our pre-marital counseling, and always took a special interest in our lives through seminary and establishment of Christian counseling ministry, marriage ministry, etc.  He insisted on donating to help us publish our first book, Raw Reflections ("Put another zero on that check, Jane."), and even now continues to give to the not for profit ministry of Great Relationships.  Every month a check comes that helps to make it possible for Christians around the world to be trained in the ministry of Marriage Coaching, and it always comes with an applicable verse of scripture hand-written by Jane after she prays for the Holy Spirit to lay a verse on her heart.  Talk about humbling and encouraging!

One hundred years!  1912-2012, and still counting. Amazing!  Lots of changes in the world since then, but one thing never changed. As my father in-law said, "He always had time."  And the time counted.  Why?  He was constantly pointing to Jesus, "If you have your eyes on any program or any person instead of Him, you have your eyes on the wrong thing", practically applying the Word of God, and praying for and with saints and sinners alike, in faith for their salvation and maturation in Christ.

Under a blanket laying on a couch with a loose fitting shirt (and a tie), Mr. Wilson 'preached' to the Church, one last time yesterday.  Thousands were silent, moved and awed by the incisive wisdom and wit of a godly centarian.  Focus on Jesus, do the Great Commission, love and serve the family of believers, and never, never, never give up.  "To live is Christ, to die is gain" were among the preachers final exhortations.  Live for Him, and then really look forward to being with Him forever.  What a great way to live!

Thank you, Mr. Wilson for a life well-lived.  Thank you for genuinely caring, and tirelessly serving.  We love you, and we'll miss you.