Moving and Memories

It's been more than a month since I wrote. On July 12 I confessed being brokenhearted. Today, I'm not sure about all the feelings I feel, but a big one is gratitude; I'm grateful to God for His perfectly choreographed series of no's, not yet's and yes's that we have experienced as a family over the past five years, six months and twenty-four days (since we moved into a home in the greater Washington D.C. area). This has been an unprecedented learning experience for all of us. It's been grueling and exhilarating; exactly what all of us needed to come to the end of ourselves and to the beginning of God.

Yesterday we saw 30-40 some men and women of the Waterboyz for Jesus, www.Waterboyz.org move the contents of our home onto two trucks (see photo album on facebook if you are interested). The neighbors are still talking about the remarkable way it was done. "Who were all those people?" WOW! Moved out in one morning. The first waves arrived about 9:35am, and the "finishers" left about 1pm after fitting our earthly belongings mostly onto one 26 foot Penske Truck (not a Budget truck, ala Tony Stoltzfus!)

But while our "belongings" fit onto a couple of trucks, our memories don't. Those we carry with us in our minds and hearts.

As I looked around the group that gathered I remembered rounds of golf, a trip to Myrtle beach, numerous "table" meetings where we transparently shared the struggles and victories of life, and a few men and couples whose marriages we'd served. And the number of folks we've interacted with for mutual impact is thousands more who we didn't know at all five years ago. God simply impressed on us to serve those He put on our path, and still those marching orders remain.

One friend took me to a quiet corner of the house to say goodbye. After sharing some memories and words of appreciation, he marveled at the way God put the plan together for us to move at the last minute.* I told him that the Ohio home would be our fourth in twenty years. "Will you stay there permanently?" he asked. "I don't know" I replied. We'll see what the Lord has and where He wants us to be." "I couldn't do that", he said. "I need my creature comforts, but for you guys this is a the way you live." He seemed shaken, maybe challenged; perhaps a bit scared that some of our willingness to respond to Abrahamic calls (get up and go the the place I will show you) might rub off.

But don't think it's all grand and glorious, and don't think we're lauding ourselves. The way I've done this leaves much to be desired. With hindsight there are some things I'd do differently. I'd fret less, grieve "losses" with better understanding that if God takes something away that He is freeing my hands for something better, and somehow be better for my loved ones by isolating less and not being so grouchy.

And there are numerous costs to living one's calling. One clear cost to us has been financial. We have nowhere the financial stability and security that we once had, BUT, our needs are met in an exceeding abundant way. We haven't missed a house payment or a meal. Just this morning I reminded myself to live one day at a time (thank you, Jesus), for God has promised to provide our needs. I don't have to see how He is going to do that, nor does He need me to instruct Him in "strategy prayers" (the kind where I tell Him how to do things). He wants me to live loved in relationship with Him, fully trusting Him to do what He says He is going to do. I want to believe...please help my unbelief!

Well, the sun is up and it's time to take Carly and Gabby to Wilson College. How do I feel about that? Glad, sad...you get it; the myriad of emotions that come with loss and change.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for befriending us on the journey (and allowing us to befriend you).

with love and blessings, Jeff

*On the morning of July 29 Jill and I surrendered our desire and plan to move back to Ohio. "If we don't have a signed contract to rent out our home in MD by August 21, then we aren't moving." Later that afternoon a Christian couple with two young children joyfully toured our abode. By that evening we'd agreed by phone to proceed with a two-year lease. The following week we signed to rent a remarkable home in Springfield.

Absolute Surrender...the key to lasting peace

Today began peacefully, but now I'm stressed and brokenhearted. Uncertainty about the fruition of hope for future provisions for our own family and the restoration of a couple's marriage; these are the sources of my distress. But, I know the anti-dote, and I've already begun to apply it...absolute surrender to the plans and purposes of God.

They say with age comes wisdom...at least the possibility of wisdom through learning. What I continue to learn is that I have very little control. My attitude is ultimately all I can control, but even that isn't said accurately. Actually, surrender of my attitude, perspective, desires, etc. and ongoing humble requests for Jesus to help me (to carry the load, to point the way, to apply the balm of his peace to my hurting heart) is all that I can do.

Time after time, God provides opportunities for me to open my hands to hand back to Him that which I want to count on...(i.e. procurement of a nice home for my family, "successful healing" of a crisis marriage), and time after time I get to remember that "neither he who plants or he who waters is anything...but God who makes it grow", and that "man can make his plans, but God orders his steps".

I found myself penning these words this morning in an email. "This is our hope and desire _________________, but if for any reason it doesn't work out, there will be no hard feelings. We will simply accept that God has something different for us." Are those just cliche words with which I attempt to pacify myself, or do I really mean them?

Looking back, I can see the good that He had in mind through many circumstances that didn't make sense at the time. Not that all disappointments of the past now make sense...some don't, but I'm confident that one day they will. For now we see, "through a glass dimly lit".

One of the greatest realities is that none of us know about tomorrow. We can simply embrace today...every moment, conversation, conscious thought and consecrate to His purposes. "Father, your ways our higher than our ways...your thoughts higher than ours". Just as Jesus, I will let you know what I want, and then surrender and submit the results to you. "Father, if there would be any other way but for me to drink this cup...but not my will; thine be done."

If I have nothing else...not the creature comforts I want...not the results of healed and restored marriages and families that I long for...I have Him. And He's enough. For some of us it takes having nothing else, or having hope interminably deferred to get that point. And so I give thanks for the lengths to which He has gone to give me Himself. If He gives more than that it's icing on the cake, not the sustenance I/we actually need. He is the all in all.

And so, it can be well with my soul.

On the daily journey, Jeff

A Lion Learning to Live Loved

Six more months and we will have been married for twenty-five years!

But just like a soldier still in-country, even though they have a departure date for home; a safe outcome isn't guaranteed.

These were among my thoughts as I watched my wife suffer with pain and fever over the past week. "What's happening? Is she dying? THERE HAS TO BE A SOLUTION!"

I'm a LION, CHOLERIC, DRIVER...An Aggressive Problem-Solver in short. For such as me it is extremely difficult to watch, wait and pray. We want to DO! But waiting on Him and praying is the doing that gets things done in His Kingdom.

Living loved, meaning trust that there is ONE who loves me more than I can imagine, and has my best in mind in all things is a challenge, particularly because I learned to care for myself from an early age; not that I wasn't cared for, but enter divorce into a child's life, and inevitably there is a question about how their needs will be met...add to that either the physical or emotional absence of either parent, and you have the recipe for the child to make the decision that they'd better learn to anticipate needs and get real good at caring for ole' #1, SELF.

While such may be adaptive thinking and behavior under duress, it can cause problems in relationship with God and others later on.

But back to the point. The learning curve for self-willed, determined, aggressive problem-solvers such as I is steep because it is a path fraught with gauntlets divinely placed to exorcise self out of self so that there is room for trust in God; one who cares more for my SELF than myself. Does this make sense?

Here's how this translates in practical terms:

This week I watched my wife begin to become overcome with infection that eventually required emergency hospitalization to provide infusion of strong antibiotics. The Lion in me wanted to take charge to make things better. The loved Lion realized that God loves her even more than I do, and that He was on the job as her Healer, and that I would do best for Jill by cooperating with His plan and timing of intervention for her healing. The bottom line is that this required asking and listening to God as the treatment director rather than simply consulting myself. Where this gets complicated is in Him working through my/our temperaments to effect His will. So, I get an idea of something to do...is that me or Him. Only asking Him and learning to hear and feel His peace tells the difference.

While I definitely believe that He cares about outcome, I also believe that as important and precious to Him is our dependence, reliance and ongoing dialogue.

So, my conclusion for now is that living as a loved lion is to trust, wait on and submit to THE LION of Judah, one who has good for me and and wants to do good through me.

If He exalts me, in ways that most of humanity considers exalted (fortune and fame), I will praise Him, and if He slays me or ordains what most of humanity considers tragic, I will praise Him. I will praise Him in all things, and seek to hear Him, know Him and enjoy Him as I trust that He is working everything together for good. Amen?

Men Making Friends: Essential Relationships for Living Life Purpose

I learned a lot about friendship the past few years during a painful season of pruning that God designed to build character and shape my/our calling. During this time I was often depressed, disappointed, and confused. I had little to give others in friendship, but seven men in particular gave to me anyhow. They invested huge quantities of time to listen and to encourage my hurting and confused heart. They didn’t judge, they always affirmed my value and character, and spoke of hope for a better future without using cliche. I can’t imagine surviving the season without them. Now it’s incumbent on me to give what I received (II Corinthians 1).

Male friendship seems to be rare, yet when it’s done well the participants describe it as priceless. Why is it rare? What makes it priceless, and how can a guy develop such relationships? First let’s consider why fewer than 10% of men report having a close male friend.

Individualism and the Anti-dote
I think intentionally dependent male friendship is rare among American men because we have been conditioned by the philosophy of rugged individualism ; the belief system that success is a function of self-reliance. As westerners we laud and admire self-made and self-reliant men, but in reality such independence isn’t Biblical. Rather, the members of the Body of Christ are designed and positioned to serve and support each other, according to the gifts they’ve been given,

I Peter 4:8-10, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms”(NIV, emphasis mine).

Life-saving Friendships
The value of sacrificial friendship becomes apparent when a man is down and out; when he is feeling defeated, hopeless, and doubtful about his worth and purpose in life. Scripture points out that a man alone in such circumstance is to be pitied,

Ecclesiastes 4:10, “If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (NIV).

The men who made time to befriend me were a lifeline. Their friendship preserved my life, marriage and ministry. While I’ve named seven in particular, many more reached out at just the right time to speak a word of hope, affirmation and encouragement to persevere (these seven stand out because they were especially non-judgmental and refrained from unsolicited advice-giving).

Perhaps your life circumstances aren’t desperate, at the moment. But they might be at some point. Will you have friendships in place to help you up when your life gets tough? That will probably depend on whether or not you make a proactive investment to ask for friends, and to be a friend. The time is now.

Friends are Friends Forever
In the early 1990’s Tim Schofield took a risk by telling me that he needed a man like me to be a regular part of his life. “I need you in my life. If the feeling is mutual, I wonder if you would be willing to make our friendship a priority by dedicating time to really know each other and to help each other to grow and mature in relationship with God, our wives, children, etc.?” I accepted the invitation and enjoyed a deep 10 year friendship. While we’ve released each other to invest in other relationships per a geographical separation that precludes regular face to face contact, we remain “go to” friends who could unapologetically call each other at 3am if needed.

How Any Man Can Grow a Great Friendship
Worthwhile things in life usually require sacrifice and risk. Tim led me into an invaluable friendship by doing both. Expect to sacrifice and invest if you want a circle of great friendships.

1. Identify a guy (or two or three) that you respect

2. Identify the qualities that you respect.

3. Risk telling him/them that you need guys like him in your life.

4. Tell him/them that you are willing to invest time and effort in friendship.

5. Give what you would like to receive, for example:
a. Time
b. Transparency
c. Confidentiality

5. Define what friendship done well will look like, for instance:
a. Time spent in conversation about relationship with God, wife, children
b. Setting and sharing goals and accountability to grow.
c. Sharing and challenge about career and ministry
d. Enjoyment of recreational activities

6. Be proactive.
a. Ask for time together; put it on your calendar.
b. Suggest things to do together, and keep your appointments.
c. Dependability and reliability is huge. Are you known as a man who keeps his word, even when it hurts?


Fulfilling Your Destiny and Finishing Well
The bottom line about essential male friendships is about fulfilling one’s life purpose with integrity over the long haul. Think about the men that have enabled Tiger’s philandering or alleged doping by Lance Armstrong. Were these men friends to marvelously talented athletes and cultural icons? No, true friends would have checked these guys by confronting them about the short-sightedness of their fleshly ambitions and they would have advocated for integrity.

One can never have too many friends; true friends willing to invest time and energy in your life, and open to receiving the same in reciprocal relationship.

Finally, here is an instructive quote from an influential mentor, Jim Duffee, M.D.

I went to find a friend, but there were no friends there,
But when I went to BE a friend there were friends everywhere!

Training Wheels to the Tour De France

As I climbed the next to last hill on my 30 mile ride today I saw a timeless scene that would make anyone smile; a little girl on a shiny bike with tassels, and training wheels, followed slowly uphill by her father on a bike himself. Learning to ride a bike...what a great day!

The young lady's smile told the story. She was joyful, proud and excited. As I rode by I either read her mind, or projected what her bedazzled face was saying, "Wow, look at that guy go!" I was moving rather quickly, attired in bright red, white and black cycling clothing. I spontaneously shouted some words of encouragement, "Way to go! Well done! Hey, that's how I got started!"

I pondered the last statement the rest of the way home. I was completing a loop of thirty miles. She had ridden maybe 30 feet, but she was riding. If she rides a lot, she will increase her stamina, strength and skill; with practice, she will become a more capable bike rider.

The young cyclist could become negative or cynical about riding if she took her comparison with me too far, such as, "He sure can ride a lot better, faster and further than me. I'm not as capable, good or worthy..." Or, she could take inspiration and begin to envision the possibility of riding real fast and real far herself.

Then my thoughts turned to a young man who has been chiding himself for being relatively spiritually immature. "I should be a lot further along. I've wasted time and opportunities, but I want to begin today to follow Christ in every part of my life." Hurray! He's in the game, and it isn't too late. Today is the first day of the rest of his life, and as long as he stays in the saddle and as long as he peddles, he'll become stronger and more able. That's going to make a huge difference for those who love him.

Where are you in the game? Well along or just getting started? Perhaps you've fallen in some way, like falling off a bike. Are you ready to get back up and get on?

Undoubtedly, the young lady I saw today will have tumbles and spills en route to becoming a proficient cyclist. But one thing is sure...if she keeps pedaling, she will undoubtedly become stronger and go further day by day. Perhaps she'll even ride in the Tour De France?

Pedaling forward,

Jeff

45...and counting...

I turn 45 today. It's sobering. There's no denying that I am middle-aged. Much of the future I looked forward to as a youth has come and gone. I looked forward to going to college, getting married, starting a career and raising children. Each of these goals has been realized, and they are in the past. What now?

The past 5 years have been an unscheduled sabbatical; a season in the wilderness unparalleled and unprecedented in life to this point. But with the advent of Spring 2010, it seems that God has marked a path out of the wilderness; and I'm glad. Perhaps the final third of life is ready to begin?

One day at a time has become a centering theme. "For each day has enough trouble of its own", Jesus said in his Sermon on the Mount. His desire was to help us to live fully in the circumstances before us one day at a time, trusting God who cares for us to provide our needs, and to guide our journey. I love that Jill and I have learned to live like this, even if it's taken a long and arduous route through the wilderness to learn it.

Thanks mom for giving me life. Thank you dad for countless hours together in many activities. I have fond memories of my youth; baseball, golf, travel together...Thank you Dr. Green for rescuing my life from the umbilical cord that tried to choke my life before it began. And thank you to the extended community of believers at First Christian Church who helped to raise me and to shape my core beliefs.

There 1,040 Saturdays between today and my 65th birthday. 1,040 Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, etc. IF I am blessed with life on earth until then. God knows. How will I invest them for the Kingdom of God...for His people...for you?

Michael W. Smith's lyrics often come to mind when I think about the gift of life and its brevity. "This is our time, this is our dance, live every moment, leave nothing to chance..."

Near or at the end of life it is common to evaluate all that came before. Some die with regret, and some are fulfilled and content. What makes the difference? A lot has to do with intentionality about living one's life purpose. Mine, that I share with Jill as a team of two is, "To inspire and equip as many people as possible to live abundant, hopeful and pleasurable lives of purpose in relationship with God and each other." What will I say yes to (and NO) today that will be consistent with that purpose?

As the sun tries to rise through the rain clouds on my 16,425th day of life, I can't help but share a few books that are providing encouragement to live on purpose:

- Visoneering, Andy Stanley
- A Leader's Life Purpose, Tony Stoltzfus
- Good to Great, Jim Collins
- The Bible, God

What is the meaning of your days? What is your purpose and how fully are you living it? Here's a prayer to encourage you and me.

Dear God, I thank you for the privilege of life. I don't take it for granted. Today is the first day of the rest of my life...for how long? Only you know. Please help me to hear your voice and to see the path on which you would have me to walk. I want to live fully for you and for your purposes, and at the end hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant." In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Filling the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run (Rudyard Kipling, the poem IF),

Jeff