Relaxed Relationship: How to Have a Lifegiving Gathering

It started small, and grew into a gathering that filled our home with love and laughter. Rich and Sharon wanted to see Carly and Gabby while they were home. Rob and Jenny called to ask if they could stop by after their weekly date. Mom (Patty Grandma to Gabby) loves to hang out with her family so we invited her to stay awhile. Sarah came with her parents, and Matt left a party for awhile to say hey to everyone...

Envision a family holiday gathering. People arrive at different times. Conversations are relaxed and natural. Curious questions abound, "Hey, how did it go with...Did you know that...I heard that you..."

A fast forward film of such a gathering would show people moving around to sit in different places and talk to different people. Relational connections in our gathering were fluid and fun. I especially liked "showing" Matthew to the door ala Michael Strahan's greeting of Donovan McNabb! (click to watch)

I think most of us checked something off our "bucket list" the other night. We laughed until we cried, and then laughed some more. Carly queried Rob (click here then scroll down) on and off for half an hour about his work as a funeral director. Her questions were serious, and Rob's answers were alternately touching and hysterical. What I liked best about the whole sequence was that there was "relational space" for them to have the interaction and for the rest of us to be blessed and entertained. Rob shared his heart about deaths that personally touched him and how this work/ministry gives him opportunity to serve families with his God-given gifts. Later in the weekend I asked Carly if such work intrigued her, "Yeah, maybe." All that from an informal, relaxed relational interaction.

Then Richard was a good sport to allow stories from the period of his marital separation. Thank GOD that is all behind all of us who were involved in it. The way God prepared Rich and Sharon for this was not lost on our gathering either. I dare say the youth (and even some of the adults) left w/ a new benchmark regarding Godly pursuit of relational healing, and persistence in His plan and purpose for our lives! Thanks Rich.

Why did I want to write this? Because I want such gatherings to be multiplied in my life, and yours. It was an abundantly life-giving time that could have lasted into the wee hours. It was fun, funny, empowering, uplifting, encouraging, loving, etc; all the things that life amidst the fellowship of believers can be!

What now?

I like the way that Wayne Jacobsen and Tom Wymore talk about such gatherings of believers in their blogs, and the way Wayne describes it in Jake's book.

All the best as you too seek to live in the midst of life-giving relationships with God and each other!

Jeff

Dead to Doing

I expected to only record a 5 minute blurb for the local Christian Radio station; that was their invitation. But, their ask was different when I got there, "Would you be willing to record eight segments for a show on Monday?" Ok. I was pleased with my internal response, "Whatever, Lord."

Upon return to Springfield which began as a part-time commute last January, I heard, "Wait to be invited." That's a pretty significant guideline for a type A, choleric driver who likes to get a lot done. But, it was a reiteration of His ongoing direction to me/us since 2006, "Do well with those I put on your path."

The way of some ministries we'd been involved with to that point was to drive, drive, drive, push, push, push...for numbers; the more the better (but was it really?). Sure, the Kingdom of God is about numbers, He wills that none would perish. But it must be Him who opens the doors of influence and opportunity.

A local pastor with growing influence in my life (Neil Haney) talks about Christ working through us vs. working for Him. The latter leaves us exhausted on adrenaline peaks and valleys, but the former is a peaceful flow and release of His life through us, to others, wherever and whenever He directs.

There was a time I would have thought that a "media appearance" was the best thing in my week. "I'm validated. Someone wants to hear from me!" But for some reason, it's different now. I was content to fulfill my friend's request at WEEC for a 5 minute blurb, and just as content to keep talking as they opened the door to share more. "Whatever", I thought. "He will open doors that can't be shut, and shut doors that can't be opened."

It's a more peaceful and joyful existence to wait for His invitations, and to peaceably walk in what He wants, releasing His life within where He directs. Goodbye striving and straining...hello godliness with contentment.

Jeff

Phone Tag (and other threats to fulfillment of our calling)

“You’re it…call me back.” Ugghh. It’s a tiring game, and one I’ve increasingly refused to play; back and forth we go, wasting 90 seconds at a time in meaningless messages, “Shucks, missed you again. Please call me back.” More often now, I leave instructions on how to schedule some mutually convenient time to talk or meet in person.

Jill and I used to expend vast amounts of energy in call backs and emails to schedule appointments. But for the past year we’ve eliminated most of that by using an online schedule, Schedulicity, www.schedulicity.com. Clients with web access can view available appointments any time of the day or night, and then “book” an appointment for the date and duration they need. They receive a receipt to confirm the booking, and a reminder 24 hours in advance of their appointment, and we receive notification by email and text message. Wonderful!

I’ve even begun to use the service to schedule calls with friends and mentors, “Hey ____, would you mind scheduling a brief call (10-15 minutes, or 30 or 60 minutes) at a time that is mutually convenient? If it is on my calendar page on the website, feel free to schedule some time together. If that doesn’t work for some reason, just call, text or email and we’ll schedule some time the old-fashioned way.” A few have pushed back on this. “It seems impersonal.” Just today, another friend registered his displeasure, “At this rate (he mixed up the time zones and had to cancel), we’ll never talk. Do you ever take impromptu calls, or does everyone have to schedule time to talk with you?” I replied to feel free to call at his convenience, but his message got me thinking.

Why am I doing this? At the root, it has to do with fulfillment of calling as affected by time and energy management. At the root, it has to do with following the example of Jesus’ boundaries. There were times he invested in people, and times he invested in relationship with His father, and his own rest and rejuvenation which was the source of his power for effective public ministry. As a man, he had limits and he knew it.

Steve Grissom, founder and developer of Divorce Care, and other such ministries (GriefShare, Divorce Care for Kids, etc.), pulled me into his office for an impromptu intervention in 2006. “Right now, in your early 40’s (I was 41), you think you can do anything and everything, but you are going to have to focus. To have the impact that God intends you to have, you are going to have to say no more than you say yes, and be very careful about how you invest your time and energy.” For two hours Steve made his case, illustrating this principle from his own life and others. His words stuck with me, and they’ve been reinforced by others.

Those closest to me, (Jill and ministry partners from 2006-2009, Rich and Sharon Wildman, check out their ministry, Stubborn Pursuits), often said that I would need to be sent away to a cloistered retreat to complete the writing they want me to finish (i.e., training materials and some books). “As long as people with needs are around, you’ll try to help them, and never get the writing done that will help even more”, Jill said. She’s been right. I’ve had to turn off my cell phone, refuse to answer the land-line, and close Outlook to avoid emails when on deadline to finish some writing (e.g., training materials one-week in advance of the class, and articles).

So, do I take impromptu calls? Sometimes; if I’m able. What does that mean? It means if I’m not on task with a pre-determined priority, such as reading and prayer, conversation with Jill, exercise, recuperation from being with people (i.e., coaching and counseling, writing, etc.) I’ll pick up a call.

What my friend may not understand is that relegating him to an online schedule protects my calling from perpetual diversion and dilution, but also that it protects and provides for a quality and enduring relationship. Public times on my schedule are pre-determined and planned for. Prior to public times for friendship, counseling, coaching, teaching and training, I prepare to be my best. I rest, pray, eat and exercise in order to be my best for others. And since I’m an introvert who restores his energy in private time alone, there is only so much time I can be “Public”. In addition, since writing is one of the modalities through which I am to execute my calling to inspire and equip others for life-giving relationship with God and each other, some of my best-energy periods of life need to be protected from interruption in order to get things on paper.

Does all of this sound selfish, insensitive and impersonal or wise?

I’ve lived a helter-skelter adrenaline fueled lifestyle for a long time. But as Steve Grissom said, “That can’t continue without significant detriment to you physically, and compromise of the mission you were made to execute. Besides, as you realize physical limitations, you will necessarily become more careful about what you do and who you do it with.”

Will I take an impromptu call? Yes, if possible.

Will I continue to ask even friends to schedule an appointment time for us to be together? Yes. And that will be due to my respect for our relationship, and desire to give my best when we meet. I hope they’ll understand and support that.

Continuing the Journey!

Jeff

An Angel in our Garage!

My thrifty wife loves to organize garage sales to bless others in need and rid ourselves of superfluous items in our household. A recent move underscored the fact that we have plenty of material possessions to sustain life, so why not give of our abundance to others?

Every time we hold such a sale we collect memories for a lifetime, but October 22, 2010 was exceptional. Numerous events and conversations will provide the fodder of stories for months to come!

I spotted him out of the corner of my eye as I forked another mouthful of eggs into my mouth. "Ought oh! We failed to cover some of the items we didn't want to sell!!" The vagrant had found my shoes! My precious shoes! Running, golf, cycling and even a pair of prized dress shoes. "I've got to stop him!" I thought. But one of our sharp helpers beat me to the intervention. He walked away.

Instantaneously I heard, "Maybe he needs shoes." My eyes fell to my feet where I found a pair of very nice and comfortable running shoes given to me a week ago by a friend. Hmm! A generous friend provided for me. Perhaps I can provide for the vagrant?

I wasn't surprised that the needy gentleman was still wandering around in our garage after I'd taken my time to finish breakfast. He wouldn't be the first "visitor" God sent to emphasize a teaching point.

"Sir, do you need a pair of shoes?" I asked. He looked up with kind eyes and smiled as he reached for my hand. "Hello", he said. He didn't fit the profile of a homeless man. There was no odor, and the sparkle in his eyes was, well...other worldly.

"Sir, if you need some shoes, I'd be happy to gift you with these" I continued. "Thank you, kind sir. I'm happy to receive your gift." He smiled once more and then turned to slowly walk away with my shoes as if they were a prized possession.

As I watched him shuffle away (he might have been eighty), I heard, "Whatever you do unto the least of these...you do to me." I'm surprised that I didn't collapse in humbling gratitude regarding the lengths to which God goes to make His way known, and to give me an opportunity to walk in it. Say what you want, but I'm convinced that God sent a servant, (once again) to reiterate a timely message. "Give freely to me as to you I have freely given."

Would it surprise you that this event preceded a miraculous conversation with one who has been despairing of life and recently came within inches of ending it? Their pride almost kept them from salvation (both eternal and temporal), but as I'd been recently emboldened and reminded of Jesus' way, I boldly challenged them to accept the gift of cousnel, support and encouragement that they might continue to live to give to others, even their own offspring....

HE has quite a way of working with us, eh? What's your story? What has He been teaching you lately?

Continuing to live with expectation or Holy Surprises!

Jeff

Gift Giving: It's more blessed to give than to receive

He came bright-eyed and bushy tailed at the opening of our garage sale, a happy little lad about 5 years old accompanied by his father, hopeful to find some treasures to take home. I pointed him to Noah's Ark, a beautifully carved hand painted boat with dozens of individual animals to place on and in the boat.

I didn't really want to see this item sold. My mom purchased it years ago for our children but now they're grown, and it's been sitting unused. "How much do you want for it?" asked the little lad being coached by his father. I was conflicted. It seemed too valuable to set a price. "Would you enjoy having this?" I asked. "Oh yes!" he exclaimed. "Would you take good care of it and share with your sister?" "Yes" he emphasized with exuberant nodding. "Then it's yours...for you, it's free." "Really?" he exclaimed. "Thank you." And that was that...until I thought about it a bit more, later. Free wasn't accurate. I wish I'd said, "It's a gift" because in truth, it wasn't free. It was actually fairly expensive. I know how much mom paid for it.

So, the lad got a gift paid for by someone else. Sounds like a gift we've all been given, eh? "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus, Our Lord" (Romans 6:23, NIV). What a gift...but it wasn't free. Someone paid dearly.

My little friend didn't protest the gift. He happily and humbly received it, and that gave me such joy! I hope that he and his sister wear it out! How awesome it is to see gifts being enjoyed, and fully utilized...

What joy it must give God and Jesus when His gift of Salvation and intimate, loving, gracious relationship is joyfully accepted.

There's more. Several other morning gift-giving experiences prepared me to boldly challenge a person in need to accept the gift of a friend's gift of friendship, and my gift of counseling ministry. "I can't afford the fees" they protested over the phone. "But you are in a hole and really need help" I responded. "Yes." "Well, how are you going to get out of the hole unless you reach for and accept the hands that are reaching for you? In effect, we are extension of God's hands, and He wants to pull you out. If you don't accept our gifts, you interfere with the joy of giving, and besides, God has plans for you to help others. This is your time to receive, so that you too can give." "Ok, I get it. I'll be in to see you in a little bit." What transpired then was inspired by the Gift-giver Himself. I believe that salvation has come to yet another household.

The bottom line? Since it's more blessed to give than to receive, I pray you (and me) the grace to obey when prompted to give. And when it's time to receive; the grace to receive joyfully and to make good use of the gifts that have been given.

Enjoying the Journey,

Jeff

Essential Encouragement - A Symphony of Support Prompted by Papa

"Hey Jeff, this is random, but I was just listening to the radio and I heard, 'Don't worry about your ministry. Pray a lot, and trust God.' You came strong to mind, and I wanted to know that I'm praying for you, and often do. No need to call back. We love you guys and miss you."

Awesome. A sixty second message that lifts the soul. This sister we've known for 30 years acted on a timely prompt. What she didn't know, but Father does, is that the weight of ministry was especially heavy yesterday; an unexpectedly intense conversation with a good friend, a crisis appointment, completion of a carefully contemplated report on some team-building assessments for a Church, journal entries from a client with palpable pain on the page.

People despairing of life, uncertain about the future, worried about whether or not there's been too much water under the dam to keep their marriage and family afloat any longer. To the compassionate caregiver it hurts and feels sad. Then there's the challenge of hearing from Father to serve those in need per the gifts He's given.

We can't do it alone.

John Eldredge's devotional message this morning was about the necessity of compassionate and encouraging companions for the journey. Thank God for friends who hear and obey prompts to reach out to care.

Better yet, thank God for His constant companionship, and constant conversation (speaking and listening prayer). He is always with me, always attentive, and somehow always responsive (through His Spirit, His Word, and people with skin on to hear, to encourage, and to hug).

Who is on your mind today, and why? Would you dare pray for guidance, and even ask if there is something Father would have you say or do to help them along the way?

Persevering,

Jeff

Good Grief!

My eyes still burn from some crying today. Jill, Laura and I said goodbye, AGAIN, to Carly and Gabby after a trip to see them and present a seminar in Baltimore area. But the tears of sorrow about going our separate ways are combined with tears of gratitude. Our daughter and granddaughter seem to be thriving, not just surviving their new life (The women and children’s program at Wilson College which they began August 15).

“I’m more than happy to sacrifice for their good, Jeff. Carly is growing and getting a great education, and Gabby is thriving too (in her pre-school, with new friends)!”

Loss, change, transition; a myriad of thoughts and feelings accompany these experiences; Tears, memories, hugs… And while it’s not easy to feel the feelings, such times are navigable, especially when we ask Jesus to walk with us through them. After all, he is a man familiar with sorrows and acquainted with grief.

It was an exciting weekend. Upon arrival in Chambersburg, PA, Gabby quivered with smiles and squeals when she saw us. “She remembers us!” Big hugs and kisses preceded our dinner. Wow! Does she ever love her Sissie! And each of us got our turn with the guileless child, “I like you”, she said as she sat down on my lap and hugged.

But there were struggles, too. Since we’re only in the 7th week of transition from living in Maryland to our new life in Ohio, Jill and I are still experimenting to discover a rhythm of quality time together. The bottom line is that the task of setting up and running a counseling practice has eaten into time we used in the past to thoroughly communicate about every facet of our lives; a necessity we think for those involved in relationship ministry; we’ve got to have a strong and pleasurable relationship if we’re goint to export that to others.

Surprisingly, it’s been one of the toughest times we’ve faced. Even as much good is happening (i.e., strides toward financial and ministry goals) the enemy seeks to devour and destroy with irksome misunderstandings and sensitivities. But thank God that when we reach for Him, He gives us a multitude of ways to withstand the evil onslaught. As we often remind our clients, the sword of the Spirit, The Word of God, is an incredible offensive weapon in the Christian Soldier’s arsenal (Ephesians 6:10-18).

Take heart fellow and sister sojourners. The One in us is greater than the one in the world, and He has given us everything we need for life and Godliness.